Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Yep – It Was the Dealbreaker

Sunday night was my much anticipated 3rd date with The Musician.  As I shared with you, I went into the date assuming that he was hoping we’d have for he first time (he invited me over for a home-cooked dinner, which translates to, “I want to see you naked” in my world).  I was hoping for the same thing.  He’d sent me several emails while he was away on vacation and was in frequent communication with me between our first two dates.  And, of course, I enjoyed his company.  He seemed like a potential keeper.

The dinner itself was wonderful.  He’s a good cook.  But we ran into some warning signs early on.  He opened up a bottle of for us to have with dinner.  I drank about a half a glass (I had to be up early the next morning, and really am a lightweight).  Most of the bottle was gone by the time we were finishing our meal.

Um, yeah, go ahead and think what you’re thinking.

I’m going to skip ahead and summarize a bit because really, it’s all just a little too fresh and awful to write about in detail.  The Musician seems to be the kind of man who likes some liquid courage when he’s nervous.  And I guess I make him nervous.  Or maybe all women do?   There are predicable side effects to that.  And yep, he had some mechanical difficulties.  But I got the sense that those problems were not unusual for him.  In fact, I got the distinct sense that that is his norm and that maybe the alcohol just made it all more ridiculous.

I don’t know.

Here’s what I do know about that particular topic, before I get creamed:  I have dated a couple of guys who had chronic issues in that department (one because of health issues and there wasn’t one thing either of us could do about it and another because he just couldn’t get it up when he was stressed out about work, etc).  I didn’t dump either of them.  In each of those cases we were able to work around our issues and still find ways to be satisfied.  I considered each of those guys good lovers (in their own ways).

The Musician was just kind of an inept, insecure mess.  The alcohol made it worse, but then it was his choice to drink that much.  I’d love to believe that it could be better with him at another time, a different night.  I just don’t think it could be.  I don’t think he has an A game.  And Sunday night was really awful and humiliating (not because he had trouble getting it up but because I was trying really hard to be a good sport about it and…well let’s just say I gave it my best effort).  I don’t want to put myself through that again.

So that’s that.  He sent me a yesterday.  It took me a whole day to make my mind 100% up and then sent him an email today.  I said thanks for the lovely dinner and it’s been wonderful, blah blah blah, but we just don’t fit together.

I feel good about it.


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9 to “Yep – It Was the Dealbreaker”


  1. tommytrc says:

    “some mechanical difficulties” That rocks! So funny. Sorry things ended before they got started. Thank goodness “D” cells rarely let you down!

  2. Myst says:

    wow SingleGirl. You’re tough lol

  3. derek7272 says:

    Sounds like you were pretty understanding about a bad situation … sorry it didn’t work out. Hopefully things with the Grownup will be better! A play sounds like a great second date.

  4. recklessstudio says:

    Wow…that’s unfortunate. I wonder if he drank like that on the first two dates. It doesn’t make sense. You’re in your own home, the place where it should be the MOST comfortable. Why use liquor as a crutch?

    He may have bigger issues…and fortunately you may have prevented yourself from seeing them.

  5. cjw666 says:

    It certainly appears that there serious underlying issues there. In any event, at such an early stage in the relationship, why would you want to saddle yourself with hastle like that?

    If a guy has such problems and wants a chick like you to take the trouble to help him through it, then he’s gonna have to be a whole lot more focussed on helping himself (and getting professional help if he needs it) rather than feeling sorry for himself and clearly making a bad situation worse. I guess almost everyone knows that alcohol in any quantity has the devilish effect of making women horny and men impotent. Duh!

    Above all, I’d have thought that a greater degree of honesty earlier on, about something so important, might have helped too.

  6. Teifion says:

    I like that you’ve left each other in a friendly way. It’s mature, sensible and better in the long term for both of you.

  7. FitDarcie says:

    Oh man. That sucks. It’s not the booze, trust me, I’ve dated all sorts of alcoholics. One bottle should not make him unable to perform.

  8. SINgleGIRL says:

    -tommytrc,
    I’m glad I could provide some comic relief to a not so funny situation. Well, it wasn’t funny to me.
    -Myst,
    Tough? How am I tough? I don’t get it. Is that a compliment? An insult? I’m confused (which is not unusual).
    -derek7272,
    Thank. I tried to be as understanding as I could be. Am looking forward to tonight. Any good vibes you can send my way would be appreciated.
    -recklessstudio,
    I think you’re right in that he has bigger issues. Late 40s, very successful, divorced – SOMETHING’S going on.
    -cjw666,
    Yes, a higher degree of honesty early on could pretty much cure all ills in my book. Honesty + I’m sorry – that’s all I really need.
    -Teifion,
    Mature and sensible, are you sure you’re talking about me?
    -FitDarcie
    I think alcohol affects different men differently, as does stress, etc. But that’s not really the point with him. No, I don’t think it was the alcohol. Ugh. My life really is a joke sometimes.

  9. Myst says:

    It’s most definitely a compliment sweetie. I thought I was tough when I was single but you got me beat :D