Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

It Matters

In the comments section to yesterday’s post, Teifion wrote, “I do find it interesting that you talk about how nice it is to have good relationships then take sexual ability so seriously. I’m well aware that everybody wants to have their cake and eat it but sometimes you can’t eat the whole cake. Why is sexual ability so important to you (feel free to ignore that if you’d rather not answer it)?”  BTW, if you read my blog but skip the comment threads, you really are missing out on a lot of the fun.

I promised him an answer and here is my attempt to give it to him.

It matters to me.  A lot.  There was a time in my life when I tried to pretend it didn’t.  When I tried to pretend that a relationship with someone with whom I was compatible in every other way was enough.  But after a few months of that I was completely miserable (and so was he).  We both needed more.  We needed the cake, too.  Maybe this is the “how can you keep em down on the farm after they’ve seen Paris syndrome”.  I’ve been sexually active for a lot of years now.  I know what I like, what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy and discontented.  Having known happiness, it’s hard to just pretend it doesn’t or can’t exist and live without it.

Sometimes it’s not so much about abilty (thought ability is an important component) but what makes each person feel good.  I’m sure I won’t be shocking anyone here when I say that not everyone has the same sexual desires, the same preferences and kinks.  I can’t fit with every guy.  I just can’t.  And it’s a trial and error thing.

I wish I could just say, oh well, I can live without that part of my life being in harmony.  I know people who do.  I have friends who’ve openly admitted to having completely dysfunctional sexual relationships with their chosen mates.  But I know myself.  I can’t do it.  I tried and I couldn’t make it past a few months.  Honestly, is just too important to me.  The best I could do is agree to an (something I am comfortable with, but let’s not get sidetracked here) and get my satisfaction elsewhere.  But for now I’m still hoping that I can find what I’m looking for all in one package.  I know that there are plenty of cynics out there who think I’m being naive.   I’m just not ready to give up yet.


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12 to “It Matters”


  1. Teifion says:

    I’ll have to ask more questions that require post-long answers :D

    That’s a very open, honest and open-minded answer, I for some reason worried that you’d feel this way for a narrow-minded reason. You’ve clearly thought about it a lot and not just about it but through it.

    Alas I think that hoping to find everything in one package is being overly hopeful. Nobody is perfect (though so many try to appear that way) and there will always be something that sticks out. There’s a lesson I recall from an RE lesson, the teacher drew a black square on a white piece of paper. They asked us what it was and we answered, she then got a new piece of paper and drew a smaller circle on it. She kept changing shapes until all that she drew was a dot, we agreed it was probably a circle. We squinted to see it but we got it.

    And that’s the thing, it wasn’t just a dot, it was a dot on a whole sheet of white. We were doing what is natural for people to do, we were looking for the one thing that was bad rather than all the many things that were good.

    Of course, some things will always disagree with us but there are probably some things you can live with, could you live with somebody smelly, messy or maybe a noisy eater? The list of small things that irk people is pretty long so there’s probably something you can accept in a man there.

  2. Singlegal says:

    it DOES matter. You said it very well, and I agree with you 110%. I’ve given this some thought too – and it’s really not fair to either of you if you don’t connect appropriately on a sexual level. It’s like fitting square pegs into round holes (he he – no pun intended). And truthfully, it starts to affect other areas of your life if you’re not there – you’re feelings of intimacy, you’re feelings of desire. So yes, it matters. And rightfully so!

  3. CHFBrian says:

    Thanks for writing this post. It absolutely matters, just as much as being able to make someone laugh. It’s about having chemistry with another person, both emotionally and physically, and I jsut can’t understand how someone can honestly say that sex shouldn’t matter. It’s a major part of a relationship, and removing it, or having it be unsatisfying in a major way would be like removing any other major part.

    I certainly wouldn’t want to date anyone who I found boring in bed, just like I wouldn’t want to date anyone who bored me during dinner or had a penchant for using laser pointers in a movie theater or who chronically smelled of chicken past its prime.

  4. FitDarcie says:

    In my experience, it matters more if it’s bad or non-existent. If I’m getting it regularly and it’s good, I don’t think about it. If I don’t get it or it’s bad, it become the focal point of the relationship.

    And you’re right…the comments and the people who comment on your blog are awesome!

  5. starangel82 says:

    It does matter. Sex without love can still be good sex, but it’s just that. Sex. Love without sex is hard and frustrating and completely unsatisfying. Sex with love (or a heck of a lot of chemisty)… well, that’s bliss and who doesn’t want bliss?

  6. cjw666 says:

    For a full and affectionate LTR and for MOST people, sex is a vital part of that relationship (unless you’re going to have an “open”) relationship). Sex may not be so terribly important, but LACK of it is a total DISASTER.

  7. recklessstudio says:

    Sex matters. There’s not really much else that needs to be said. In life, we would like to have somethings the way WE want it. Like, for me, when I look for a car, I want it to have certain qualities that fits my driving style. Not ALL cars do that. And when it comes to sex, not ALL women that I have sex with fit my “driving style.”

    What’s my sexual driving style? Not ability. But feeling and communication. Not every partner has that and it can only take you so long before you decide it may be time for a change. Because as most of us know, sex, just like anything else, can affect other parts of the relationship.

    Staying true to yourself is the only way to be completely satisfied.

  8. SINgleGIRL says:

    First, let me say that you guys/gals are all amazing. I was really afraid that I was going to get bashed for this one. I think FitDarcie and cjw666 both made a great point- it’s when the sex isn’t working in your relationship that is becomes the big issue.

    No, Teifion, I don’t expect to meet someone who is perfect. And there are compromises I am absolutely willing to make. I can live with someone who doesn’t like a lot of the things I like (art, music, films) or who likes to spend his free time camping and fishing (I am so not an outdoorsy chick) but sexual compatibility is my deal breaker.

  9. hoLLy haVok says:

    I completely agree with everything you said SINgleGIRL!!!!!! It’s very important and even if you love something, if that part isn’t working, it puts a huge strain on the relationship, and for me, the strain would eventually destroy what feelings were there.
    I have been in a situation like this, and I really started to resent the guy. That’s when I realized, if it’s not there, I have to get out before I get in too deep. No matter how much guilt I would feel about dumping a guy because we don’t click in that area, it’s more important to me to make myself happy….after all, I deserve it!! (and so do you!)

  10. BMom says:

    There are some people out there who don’t, for whatever reason, find sex to be that important. But there are others, myself included, who thing that sex is very important. I’ve had really good sex without love. I haven’t had love without really good sex. Is that the way that it works for everyone? No. I happen to love having sex. Sex and physical attraction and chemistry help to feed the fire of a relationship. They aren’t the only things that keep it burning but they definitely help to keep the fire burning hotter and longer.

  11. jk228855 says:

    I’m sorry but it matters a lot. If it doesn’t work in the bedroom it will eventually show up in other aspects of the relationship. People should have physical chemistry and great sex as well as an emotional connection. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you if you’re not getting what you need physically. I agree with you – It’s definitely a deal breaker

  12. SINgleGIRL says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone else who chimed in. It feels a lot less lonely out here, now.