Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Things You Don’t Want to Hear In Bed

I had a rather ambitious to do list for yesterday.  It was jam packed with things to do, things to write, things to read.  So, of course, I got less than 1/5 of it all done.  I got sidetracked early in the day when I made the mistake of taking a “few minutes” to surf the net and see what was going on on different dating and relationship sites(something I try to do at least a few times a week, even though I don’t feel like my fits neatly in with these other sites as I don’t provide words of wisdom or make much effort to be amusing or salacious).

Yesterday, being February 7th, there were plenty of articles on Valentines Day.  I’m not going to vent about that anymore.  I am so over it and our society’s ridiculous obsession with it.  I’ve decided that I will try to find the silver lining in V Day – maybe this year we need a big push for the silly thing as our economy could use all the help it can get.

Amidst all the Vday pieces was this funny article in .com (I think this is a rebranding/new name for TangoMag), A New Way to Vent About a Crappy Lay. I kind of couldn’t believe it when I was reading it.

Let me explain, I’m not, nor have I ever been one of those girls who talks about this stuff with her friends.  If something, um, unpleasant happens with a guy or someone turns out to be less than what I would’ve hoped for in the sack, that’s not info I’d share in graphic detail with anyone.  Nor have I ever heard anyone else’s horror stories.  Well, according to this new website, I have had pretty good luck all of these years and should be sending out thankyou cards to all of my for not being douchebags. Well, to most of my .

Anyway, after reading a few dozen of these pitiful submissions I started to think back and wonder – Do I have anything to compare?

Here they are, in no particular order, my own “ Mom” list:

1)  I’d gone out with this guy a couple times and thought I might REALLY like him.  He seemed nice and thoughtful (which was strange because he was a lawyer and I don’t think of lawyers as nice and thoughtful, in fact I usually avoid them altogether) and as an added bonus he was a great kisser.  And then we had sex.  It took him approx 15 seconds.  He actually said, “I’m sorry, I’m done,” in this little adolescent voice that came out of nowhere.  There was no second act.  Of course I never saw him again.  I can forgive a lot of things, but I can’t forgive bad in bed.

2)  I was young but not naive.  He was a little bit older.  I was young enough that the 8 or whatever years felt like a lot because I was still a college student and he was a real grown up.  He considered himself a good Catholic and there was a giant crucifix over his bed. Every time we had sex he would say he was going to “give me a baby” right as he came (yes, we were using protection).  He was going to be away for a week.  Right before he left he arranged for me to meet a good friend of his.  He went out of his way to hint/suggest that his good friend keep me company while he was away.  Um, no, I didn’t see him again after that.

3)  Handsome guy though older than he said he was online (either that or not aging well).  He was sweet enough and we had fun on our first date. We ended up at my place after a hot makeout session on the sidewalk outside the place we went to on our second date.  Everything seemed fine when we first walked in, we were kissing on my sofa.  Then I paused and said I needed to use the bathroom.  He said, “Can I watch?”  He was not joking.  I wish I could say that I threw him out at that point, but I didn’t.  I was and up til that moment everything was good.  I went, with the door firmly shut, and then we eventually ended up naked in the bedroom.  It was not good.  I wish I could say it was quick and not good, but it wasn’t.  It was one of those grin and bear it sessions.  He was from the old jackhammer school.  On the bright side, he didn’t try to stay the night so I got to take a nice, hot bath afterwards.


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37 to “Things You Don’t Want to Hear In Bed”


  1. Teifion says:

    The first is a little amusing but the others are downright worrying.

  2. recklessstudio says:

    Umm…yeah. Terrible.

  3. SINgleGIRL says:

    Oh my, have I embarrassed you boys? I’m sorry. This is why I don’t talk about sex much. My sense of what is and is not appropriate doesn’t seem to work.

  4. iChristy says:

    A guy I was seeing and I were playing around in bed… Everything was great, he seemed really into it then the moment came… He told me I made him really nervous he was shaking almost violently and he couldn’t get it up… AT ALL. There was no first act to speak of. I don’t ever want to hear that I make a man nervous again. I think I horrified the poor thing.

  5. BMom says:

    Okay so I have to join in on the fun. This isn’t embarrassing as much as a “WHAT?” sort or experience. I was once performing one of my Grammy award winning oral performances and the guy said, “Atta girl”. It took all of the thrill out of it for me. Two little words.

  6. recklessstudio says:

    Haha, no this is fine. I’m embarrassed for those guys. I really have to wonder where they learned these “suave moves” from.

    But I guess I should share one myself.

    Sometimes, it’s not what you say that messes things up. It’s the fact that you are saying anything at all.

    I had a women try to give me a nice blow act and while she was performing, she would try to have actual conversation. I had no idea what she was saying because her mouth was full.

    I tried to be nice, but then as she was still trying to talk, she started to grind and I almost lost my mind and my manhood. Needless to say, it was a total turnoff and I immediately stopped her.

    I guess it didn’t help that I don’t like it when people talk with their mouth full.

  7. bellaressa says:

    SG, wow., each situation sounds bad.

  8. Erika A says:

    Well hello,

    I just found your blog from Infinity’s site. I love your honesty, and now I have a soulmate in believing that Valentine’s Day is the most ridiculous holiday ever!

    My mission in life is to teach guys how to properly seduce a woman and to make sure that the bedroom debacles you described NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. I was just writing on my blog a few days ago that the reason I rarely have sex is that I cannot tolerate “aluminum sex.” There must be a deep emotional connection or it is a no go.

    Anyhoo, I’d love to connect with YOU.

    cheers,
    Erika from http://www.awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com

  9. cjw666 says:

    I know us guys aren’t supposed to understand women, but there’s no excuse for not understanding at least the basics of sex – jeez!

  10. Teifion says:

    Me, embarrassed? I think not. It just happens to be one of the things that I have neither expertise nor story, horror or otherwise. If any of your posts are boring I will be sure to tell you (probably via DM rather than publically, that’d just be rude).

  11. derek7272 says:

    Another reason why you might not want to tell guys you date about this blog … who wants to think they might get mocked for their foibles, or that one time they were bad in bed? Eeesh…

  12. 20forty says:

    Oh boy. My turn I suppose. After a very hot lovemaking session, a guy was commenting how good the sex was. I was feeling very good hearing words like amazing and incredible. Right up until he said, “You know, even if this doesn’t work out and I meet someone else, I’d still have to come over here and have sex with you. It’s that good.” Damn! Talk about a comment that will make you feel good and crappy all at the same time!

    lisaq

  13. Myst says:

    lol damn 20forty. I hope you punched him for saying that. What a jerk

  14. SINgleGIRL says:

    Thank you to everyone who shared their stories. You guys are awesome. I am especially happy to see that at least one guy jumped into the ring so a special thank you to reckessstudio.

    I think these stories are more than just funny. They’re probably also pretty common. More common than any of us realize. Let’s face it, people are idiots. And if everyone just came out and share their most embarrassing sex stories then we’d all realize just how not awful our situations were. Anyway, thanks SO MUCH for sharing.

    derek7272, I am going to address your comment in a mini post later today.

    Erika A,
    I’m glad you are enjoying the site. If you dug in I’m sure you can tell that I don’t really have a mission in life related to dating, other than to be happy/have good sex/not sleep alone for the rest of my life. Other people can take care of themselves. But sure, let’s connect. Feel free to DM me on Twitter (SINgleGIRL) or private message me here, anytime.

  15. FitDarcie says:

    This passed weekend, I had a guy in my bed…I woke up on Saturday, tried to fall back asleep, which is kinda uncomfortable when a guy you barely know is in bed with you, so I was just lying there I was pretending to still be asleep while planning my escape from him. Honest to god, I felt the blankets lift up a little and heard the flash of the guy’s camera phone. I realize that I’m insanely gorgeous with a wicked body, but come on! Do you need a pic of me to show your buddies you slept with me?

  16. Teifion says:

    @FitDarcie I think you’ll simply have to take it as a compliment

  17. SINgleGIRL says:

    Thank you so much FitDarcie for telling that story. I had a similar thing happen, but didn’t add it to my woeful tales. Am about to write why.

  18. hoLLy haVok says:

    Wow. I am positive your first story has happened to every woman on here, because it’s definitely happened to me. I’m like you….bad in bed just does NOT work for me!!!

  19. SINgleGIRL says:

    -hoLLy haVok,
    Ugh. Well, I guess it’s good to hear that it’s pretty common. And yet so sad. So very sad. 15 seconds. I’m not kidding!

  20. Old Fashioned Guy says:

    Call me old fashioned, but you are a dirty whore.

  21. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Old Fashioned Guy,
    I’m sure I’ve been called worse.

  22. BMom says:

    I wonder if OFG would have said the same thing about a guy writing about the same topic? The struggle that I have being a single woman is that men hold women up to standards that they don’t hold themselves up to. Of course I have a responsibility to be overly responsible since I’m raising two kids and have the added pressure of setting an example but I think that if we are going to invoke the word whore we might as well admit that it’s a word appropriate for both genders but much more stigmatizing for one.

  23. bellaressa says:

    Why dirty whore – seriously that is what you come up with nothing more to say – why read or even comment.

  24. SINgleGIRL says:

    -BMom,
    I’m fairly certain he wouldn’t have said the same thing if I were a man. It wouldn’t have even crossed his ming.
    -bellaressa
    That’s a VERY good question.

  25. dmplgrl says:

    I’ve been fairly fortunate in my sex life but there was this one guy who used to always joke about how small his member was – I thought surely he’s just talking smack right? – I mean my ex-fiance used to say he was hung like a flea and he was overly blessed in size.

    He wasn’t. That old joke about ‘is it in yet?’ well…. I’ll leave it at that. Needless to say that was a one time event.

    But in all fairness – I’ve been on the opposite end of the spectrum myself. My ex-fiance and I had been living in different states for a few months while he was getting settled in a new job and I’d come to visit him. I’d been feeling a little under the weather and after a rousing session of felatio – he came – and so did my lunch from that day… all over his lap. :-(

    Thankfully he was understanding and he just helped me wash up and changed the sheets – but I’ll always wonder if in tales with his buddies I’ll be the ‘OMG this one time this chic puked on me after giving me head!’ girl

  26. Shannia says:

    15 seconds, you’re lucky,,, i was in a 2 year relationship with a guy that didn’t always make it in before he came. I got sexually frustrated, became quite castrating in my comments and well by then the poor guy had performance anxiety and couldn’t even get it up anymore. I dumped him when i found out he cheated, cuz really, you can’t give one girl good sex and you’re having bad sex behind her back too… nonsence.

  27. SINgleGIRL says:

    -dmplgrl
    LOL. Don’t feel so bad. I know for a fact that that is not such a rare occurance (the vomitting). I can think of 2 other confirmed cases/2 other women it’s happened to.
    -Shannia
    Ouch. I don’t know how you did it. I know people do. I just don’t know HOW. And good for you for dumping his cheating ass. Normally I don’t believe that cheaters have to neccesarily be dumped, but in his case – absolutely!

  28. Anonymous says:

    I was in the middle of what was already some very mediocre “cookie” with a guy, when he said, “Oh, baby, you’re so tight, you feel like twelve-year-old pussy.” In the compliment/confession category that has to take the cake. That was it. Done.

  29. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Anonymous
    OMG! I think I might’ve gotten ill at that point. Vile.

  30. redcurls says:

    Ummm.. I’m pretty sure I’ve been with lawyer # 1, too! And the idea that you’ve written about 3 experiences and some idiot is calling names.. get over it already. We’re all grown-ups.

  31. CharlieHipHop says:

    Not to brag, but it always makes me uncomfortable when a woman tells me she loves me when she comes, at least if I don’t know her all that well. I also don’t want to hear anything about your ex or your father post-coitus.

  32. Simone Grant says:

    -recurls
    Thanks and eek and welcome to the blog. If you have been with lawyer #1, you have my sympathy – that was a bad night!
    -CharlieHipHop
    I totally get it. Guys do that too and it’s WAY creepy. “I love you” shouldn’t be what a person says when they come. Ick.

  33. crazy4u says:

    Hmnn… 15 seconds was fast but it could have also meant you were simply HOT & irresistible that he went out of control. You should have asked him to stimulate you to orgasm after he came instead of you ranting inside and missed the fun. Clitoral orgasm is just as intense and pleasurable as when a penis enters the vagina. You gotta try it with your next. One question for you though, when you found the right guy and commit to a serious relationship, will you still talk in here how you fuck each other?

  34. GuyInSkinnyJeanz says:

    If someone said I love you when they came, I would grab my pants and run out the door. That’s just scary. And this makes me sound increasingly insensitive, but if a girl said that to me, I would just nod, say “That’s nice” and expedite my exit. Not leaving time for the whole “Oh my father, or Oh my ex” speech. People in my age group get a whole lot of this crap though too. Everyone from 18-21 is always OMGAH LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE, when people don’t even know what it really means. *rant over*

  35. Simone Grant says:

    good to see this post/comment thread is still so active; welcome to the newcomers crazy4u and GuyInSkinnyJeanz.
    To answer your question, crazy4u – I have no idea. I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
    And GuyinSkinnyJeanz, I think most people (men and women) would run for the door when they heard “I love you”, regardless of age. If there are a lot of people in the 18-21 going around talking about love, I kinda feel sorry for them. They’ve been watching way too many movies.

  36. nand says:

    what a fun post and so on point. sorry about the “jack hammer” guy–I think we might have crossed paths, he and I at some point also. yuck.

  37. grad student says:

    I had to fake the big O… and I am a guy! My cousin’s hubby was sort of flirting w/ this girl. Cousin wanted me to ‘make a play’ for the girl. We were all having some drinks, the girl is interested in my advances ( I think she just wanted some action; nothing wrong with now). Well, we are upstairs, I am looking up at her and realize… I don’t want this, I am not into it really. And she is really BAD at it. So I make the ‘O-face’ fake it. She asks if I’m finished and just leaves.