I had a rather ambitious to do list for yesterday. It was jam packed with things to do, things to write, things to read. So, of course, I got less than 1/5 of it all done. I got sidetracked early in the day when I made the mistake of taking a “few minutes” to surf the net and see what was going on on different dating and relationship sites(something I try to do at least a few times a week, even though I don’t feel like my blog fits neatly in with these other sites as I don’t provide words of wisdom or make much effort to be amusing or salacious).
Yesterday, being February 7th, there were plenty of articles on Valentines Day. I’m not going to vent about that anymore. I am so over it and our society’s ridiculous obsession with it. I’ve decided that I will try to find the silver lining in V Day – maybe this year we need a big push for the silly thing as our economy could use all the help it can get.
Amidst all the Vday pieces was this funny article in YourTango.com (I think this is a rebranding/new name for TangoMag), A New Way to Vent About a Crappy Lay. I kind of couldn’t believe it when I was reading it.
Let me explain, I’m not, nor have I ever been one of those girls who talks about this stuff with her friends. If something, um, unpleasant happens with a guy or someone turns out to be less than what I would’ve hoped for in the sack, that’s not info I’d share in graphic detail with anyone. Nor have I ever heard anyone else’s horror stories. Well, according to this new website, I have had pretty good luck all of these years and should be sending out thankyou cards to all of my exes for not being douchebags. Well, to most of my exes.
Anyway, after reading a few dozen of these pitiful submissions I started to think back and wonder – Do I have anything to compare?
Here they are, in no particular order, my own “Sorry Mom” list:
1) I’d gone out with this guy a couple times and thought I might REALLY like him. He seemed nice and thoughtful (which was strange because he was a lawyer and I don’t think of lawyers as nice and thoughtful, in fact I usually avoid them altogether) and as an added bonus he was a great kisser. And then we had sex. It took him approx 15 seconds. He actually said, “I’m sorry, I’m done,” in this little adolescent voice that came out of nowhere. There was no second act. Of course I never saw him again. I can forgive a lot of things, but I can’t forgive bad in bed.
2) I was young but not naive. He was a little bit older. I was young enough that the 8 or whatever years felt like a lot because I was still a college student and he was a real grown up. He considered himself a good Catholic and there was a giant crucifix over his bed. Every time we had sex he would say he was going to “give me a baby” right as he came (yes, we were using protection). He was going to be away for a week. Right before he left he arranged for me to meet a good friend of his. He went out of his way to hint/suggest that his good friend keep me company while he was away. Um, no, I didn’t see him again after that.
3) Handsome guy though older than he said he was online (either that or not aging well). He was sweet enough and we had fun on our first date. We ended up at my place after a hot makeout session on the sidewalk outside the place we went to on our second date. Everything seemed fine when we first walked in, we were kissing on my sofa. Then I paused and said I needed to use the bathroom. He said, “Can I watch?” He was not joking. I wish I could say that I threw him out at that point, but I didn’t. I was horny and up til that moment everything was good. I went, with the door firmly shut, and then we eventually ended up naked in the bedroom. It was not good. I wish I could say it was quick and not good, but it wasn’t. It was one of those grin and bear it sessions. He was from the old jackhammer school. On the bright side, he didn’t try to stay the night so I got to take a nice, hot bath afterwards.
Tags: blog, exes, horny, sorry, YourTango