Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Tell Me You Love Me

External validation is one of those bizarro things.  A need that many humans have but most of us wish we didn’t (like a constant craving for chocolate that can never be sated).  In self-help land you’ll frequently hear people talk of letting go of the need for external validation. Because, of course, we should all be happy with ourselves and who we are as individuals and not seek happiness from the approval/attention of others.

Whatever.  I’m really not into making judgments about how other people choose to live.  I do have a sense that the people who spend the most time preaching to others should spend a little more time looking within themselves and their own lives, but that’s so not my problem.  I try pretty hard to balance being happy with what I have and workng hard to get the things I want.  I don’t do waiting patiently to see what the universe (or the lord or whatever) will bring my way.  My happiness is on me, no matter what.  That’s the way I see it.

So now, to my point.  I’m not judging anyone’s need to seek the approval of other’s or to even get a little ego stroke now and then.  Really I’m not.  But there is something that really pisses me off and I just can’t take it anymore.  I figure that out of the last 25 first dates I’ve had that didn’t end up in additional dates, about 1/2 of those guys asked me out for a second date.  And in almost all of those cases I said yes.  They asked,  I said yes, they then proceeded to blow me off.  The ask, so far as I can see was the equivalent of, “Do you like me enough to go out with me again?”

It happens over and over again.  End of the date, we’re doing the goodnights, sometimes there’s even a kiss if he’s the bold sort (I am completely open to kissing on a , not sex, but the guy’s got to go for it).  And then he says something to the effect that he’d like to see me again and I say yes.  Not, we’ll see because I’m not a tease.  But yes.  And then he disappears into the NYC dating ether, never to be heard from again.

I sent probably too-young guy, Saturday afternoon’s date, an email yesterday morning.  I decided to give him a second chance.  Decided that maybe his unenthusiastic vm was just a case of nerves getting the best of him and what harm could there be in giving him a second chance.  That was 30 hrs ago.  I haven’t heard back from him.  So I’m guessing he was just checking, to see if I would go out with him again.  Because now he can feel really good about himself, being the one who’s turning me down.  Argh.

It’s like these guys are using me, and probably all women, to just constantly sate their need to hear over and over again that they are wonderful.  That each time one of us says, “yes, I’ll go out with you again,” the guy gets to feel a little bit more like a worthwhile human being.

I guess I should be glad that I’m getting away after a single date?


16 to “Tell Me You Love Me”

  1. Teifion says:

    You’re playing in an area where the majority of people are probably motivated by selfish emotions rather than a more intellectual and logical long term plan. Sure there are some like yourself that are trying not to be selfish but I think you simply need to accept that some people are just plain losers.

    Now for maths. If blowing someone off gives a reward of some kind (in the form of feeling good) it is logical to say that some blowing offs will return a greater reward than others. We can also probably agree that the harder a “catch” the lady was, the greater the reward will be as it was harder to achieve.

    You are clearly a smart person with intellectual based talents (as evidenced by your grammar, spelling, punctuation and writing style for four) and presumably attractive when you put your mind to it because as we’ve already established, you’re clever. I can’t say for sure what you normally look like as I have not seen a picture of you and thus will have to assume you look “average”.

    Back to the blowing off part. As you are both smart and attractive it is safe to say that you are something of a “catch” in terms of what men will be looking for and thus to be able to blow you off will make them feel very good.

    But it gets better, I will now prove that you must be attractive (and you always thought algebra was rubbish!)

    A = attractivness
    I = Intellect
    R = Reward for blowing off

    R = I + A

    However; these people are clearly not thinking long term and thus must be basing it solely on your attractiveness which means:

    R = A

    And thus they are blowing you off because you are attractive and they have no desire for a long term friendship or relationship and all they care about is themselves.

  2. derek7272 says:

    Hello! Greetings from Texas. I don’t know what it says that I am reading your blog on vacation, but I am. Well I am at my father’s so it’s a little different.

    A couple of things. First and foremost, I’m very sorry about your friend….

    Moving on from that. I admit I have in the past said something about wanting to see someone again and then never call them. I don’t really think it had to do with wanting external validation or anything like that… it’s just that, upon further (and more sober) reflection, I decided I wasn’t that into them. Or I just got busy and then it was too late to call. Or, sometimes, I was just trying to be polite.

    If it’s any consolation, girls sometimes do that too. Sometimes they’ll even make out with you and then diss’ you! It’s no big deal though. Oh and you were saying something elsewhere about being “that rude girl” who didn’t respond to someone asking them for a second date. Actually if someone doesn’t want to go on a second date with me, I’d def. prefer that they just not respond than say something about how they didn’t feel any chemistry etc. Do a slow fade. It’s not like there’s anything they can say that won’t make it sting a little bit.

    Also what is up with not kissing that guy from the ex-files on dates 1 and 2? How do you explain that? I went out on an Internet date the other day; it was fine, okay, but no kiss and she didn’t really seem that into me as far as body language went. Like she didn’t lean in toward me when we were talking at the bar, etc. So, I decided not to call her again. What’s the point if there’s no zing? I’ve gone out on lots of dates, but I think every girl I dated long-term, we kissed on the first date. However I am open to being persuaded that I am wrong on this.

  3. derek7272 says:

    also, why can’t we get decent spaces between our paragraphs in the comment section? I notice that Teifon uses dashes to insert spaces.

  4. bobbyjensen says:

    I’ve thought about the old, “I would like to see you again” or “I’ll give you a call tomorrow, ok” and no follow up. Have you ever thought of taking tally of how these guys ask this type question so you could learn better when it’s bs or not when you hear it?

  5. recklessstudio says:

    I have a question. So 2/3 of those guys ask you out on a second date. How much do YOU ask out on a second date? What have been the results there?

    For guys to use this as a way of external validation is ridiculous but I will not sit here and be naive this. It really does happen.

    Then again, you’re the type of person that would rather hear that a guy wouldn’t want to see you again than have that same guy ask you out on another date. But maybe that’s better than just not hearing anything at all?

    Making absolutely no judgments at all, I would say that honestly, dating is a numbers game. There isn’t a limit of how many potential suitors you will come across but you will have to play the numbers to get the results that you want.

    It’s stupid…really stupid that guys need to seek this validation but then again…human interaction is more complex that it should ever be.

    And yes, any guy that can’t follow through with such a simple task as to asking and taking you out on another date is worth you being thankful for not having to go on a second date with those guys.

  6. cjw666 says:

    You’re absolutely right. I’m perfectly sure women do exactly the same thing and a large propotion of both sexes out there on the dating scene are there mainly for that sole purpose.

    So, if Q=the number of people with whom you could enjoy a good LTR, X=the quantity of those on the dating scene who are serious, Y=the proportion of those you won’t like and Z=the number of those who won’t like you in return.

    Q=X-Y-Z divided by the number you first thought of on a Thursday morning at 3AM (sorry Teifion)

    Moral … Don’t expect much and you won’t be disappointed :)

  7. Teifion says:

    onsugar has some silly comment formatting where it removes all double returns, a dash seemed like the best way to break up paragraphs but I am trying to think of invisible characters that can be used :)

    @cjw666: I still prefer my answer 😛

  8. 20forty says:

    I am so guilty of agreeing to a second date even when I know I’d rather not. I think, as derek7272 said, it’s probably about politeness which, when you think about it, is silly. Because it’s not really polite to turn around and blow someone off is it? I’m just not good at saying no. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings…at least not when I’m there to see it! Ugh! I need to work on that huh…


  9. starangel82 says:

    I’ll go on a first date. Even if I know I’m not interested. I guess everyone deserves the first chance and who knows how it will turn out. Then the guy will say, “So I’ll call you” or “I’d love to do this again” or something to that effect. Apparently 2/3 of them loose my number between the door and the car.

    But then you will get guys who get their boxers in a twist no matter what. Case in point. I’d been out on two dates with a guy I really liked. And he really seemed to be into me. On his birthday (we didn’t have plans), my nearest and dearest friend got into a major wreck. Her parents live out of the country, so I drove to the nearest trauma center (an hour away) where they transported her and stayed with her. I did text the guy to say happy birthday and I would call him as soon as I could. When I called him, he was as cold as ice. Because I didn’t call him to wish him a happy birthday. And it didn’t matter to him that my best friend almost died. It was all about him.

    My whole long comment is for this. I think you should be glad you are getting away with just one date or two. I would much rather see a guy’s true colors in the beginning instead of after months of dating. Then again, maybe I’m getting to jaded about the whole dating process.

    A side note, I hate the no spacing between comments too. I do like the little dash idea. Thanks teifion!

  10. sabs says:

    Teifion and co. – the comment paragraph breaks should be showing up now, there was a problem in the theme. hope this helps!

  11. Teifion says:

    Thanks Sabs.

    I was going to start using an invisible braille character to force them.

  12. SINgleGIRL says:

    OK- Well first off- Thanks to Sabs and the OnSugar tech support team. The glitch that we all were complaining about has been fixed. As I’ve said before, please let me know when there’s something you want to see/see different on my blog. I will always take it under advisement and try to make the appropriate changes.

    Now, onto the comments:
    I love your equation and I do get your point.

    Welcome back to the blog and I hope you are enjoying your time in TX. Warm weather at least? I’ve heard some men say that it is their knee jerk reaction at the end of the date to say, “let’s do this again” or “I’ll call you”. I guess I don’t get it. I get changing your mind. But surely that can’t happen that often? Maybe it does. As to your last point – I will repeat this answer in the ex-files comment box as it refers to a post there. I pretty much require that the guy makes the first move. That’s just the way I am. I will ask a guy out and show my interest (in the typical flirty girl ways) but the guys got to make the move. And some don’t. Some guys need a woman to do that, for whatever reason. And so I’m just not compatible with them. I went out with The Freelancer right around the time I met Mr. Potential. I liked them both about the same amount. But by date 3 The Freelancer still hadn’t made any attempt to kiss me or hold my hand or anything. I knew he was interested. But he didn’t act on it. So he wasn’t a good fit for me. M (from the Ex-Files) waited until the 3rd date to kiss me. There was tons of chemistry between us on the first and second dates (as witnessed by our emails). But he held off. I thought it was to show me that he wanted our relationship to be about more than just sex. Which is kind of funny because when we split up of course I immediately assumed he was just using me for sex. Oh well.

    I am just bad with tallys and analyzing this stuff. I could, but I’m not sure I’d want to.

  13. SINgleGIRL says:

    I do sometimes do the sticking my neck out to ask for the 2nd date. I did this morning with the guy from last night(he said “let’s do this again” last night but I sent an email this morning which is so much more concrete). Same with The Musician. And I have, on occasion, said something about getting together again ONLY TO BE MET WITH SILENCE. And you know what, I’d rather that. I’d rather know right away that someone isn’t into me. But that’s me, and I’m weird.

    Anyway, as you say, dating is a numbers game. And I try to be open to as many second dates as I can be because I know that so many men are not at their best on first dates. In a lot of cases these are not great or even good first dates but eh first dates and I am trying to be open minded. I’m not crushed when I don’t hear from them again, just annoyed.

    Good Moral … “Don’t expect much and you won’t be disappointed”.

    -lisaq (20forty)
    I think we’re all a little dysfunctional in that we don’t communicate what we do and don’t want but instead say and do things to make others happy, which invariably end up making someone unhappy.

    ugh, It sounds like you’ve just had some horrible luck with guys. Know that it’s not just you.

  14. derek7272 says:

    I am back in NYC — brr!

    It’s just like reunions and graduation … I always say I want to keep in touch with a ton of people, and I mean it. But actually doing so takes some effort, so I rarely actually do so (although that’s changing with Facebook). Kinda the same with dating, I guess. Not that I don’t get rejected all the time myself…

  15. Erika Awakening says:

    Hmmmm… I say just follow the energy. When we feel a lack of passion or enthusiasm, I really do believe other people pick up on it and share it. So rather than seeing it as ego validation for the guy, I’d probably just assume that he intuitively felt (just like me) that there wasn’t enough “there” there for us to keep hanging out. I like this approach cuz I don’t worry anymore about whether a guy likes me or not, or whatever he “gets” out of the interaction. Who cares really? I just follow the energy and guys usually come in and out of my life very smoothly and without a lot of drama…

  16. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Erika Awakening
    Sorry. I don’t really get what you’re saying. Or maybe I do and just intrinsically disagree. I refuse to enlist in the “who cares” school of dating. I care. Or, I want to care. I want to care about the men I date. I only want to date men who like me and date men who I like. Otherwise, what’s the point?