Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Learning From Loss

We’re not even a full month into 2009 and I’ve already lost another friend (lost, here being a euphemism for, “he died”).  Last year I lost a parent and a friend.  And over the years, well, let’s just say I’ve lost a lot of people, most of whom were taken from this earth while they were still quite young.

I have a mantel in my apartment.  Not a real fireplace, but a mantel over a faux fireplace (they’re pretty common in old Manhattan apartments).  On it, amongst the knick knacks and pictures of family and friends there is one pictue that’s in a fancier frame than the rest.  The frame kind of stands out because I didn’t buy it for myself.  It’s not my style.  I bought it as a birthday gift for a friend.  It was so, completely her taste.  But I’m bad about birthdays.  I’m great about buying gifts and picking out just the right thing for the right person.  And then I’ll forget to give/send it to them because I lose track of the date/days.

I bought her the frame and then forgot to send it and then months passed and I kept forgetting (she lived far away) and then I heard from a mutual friend that she passed away.  It was sudden.  I was devasted.  She’d died and I hadn’t spoken to her in months.  She died thinking that I’d forgotten her birthday, that I didn’t care enough to write or call.  Anyway, now I keep a picture of her in that frame on my mantel.  As a reminder.

So why the depressing post about ?  Because I believe that it’s important to always remember that our time on this earth is limited.  And that we don’t know when that time is up.  I’ve lost friends in their early 20s, early 30s, 40s and had a great uncle who lived to 101.  I know that sometimes it seems like I’m in a rush.  Like I’m pushing things.  That I’m impatient.

Well, hell yeah, I am.  I want each and every day that I am fortunate enough to be on this earth to be a good one.  Or as good as I can make it.  And I know that I am happier with a partner than I am alone.  I can be OK alone.  I am OK alone.  But I prefer to wake up in someone’s arms.  That’s my truth and I’m not ashamed of it and don’t feel the need to apologize for it to anyone.  That’s what I want.

I guess you can say that I have a sick and morbid case of carpe diem and that it affects my dating life in very specific ways.  Shit, you can say whatever you want.


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11 to “Learning From Loss”


  1. michellebythec says:

    Oh honey- first, I am so sorry, I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t realize it was so serious. Having said (and meant) that, your post, imho, isn’t morbid, more life-affirming. And you’re right, life is short- seize the day.

    xoxo ~your un-met friend

  2. PiscesInPurple says:

    Ack. I’m so sorry. I feel bad I was talking to you on Twitter about something stupid.
    It’s so ridiculously hard to lose someone. In the last few years, I’ve lost all four grandparents, a beloved stepfather and a cousin who was only 37. Go ahead and let if affect your life in very specific ways. It should. Ain’t nothing wrong with Carpe Diem.

  3. SINgleGIRL says:

    -michellebythec
    Thanks darling. It’s been a rough week/month/year but it’s all going to be OK.
    -PiscesinPurple
    Thank you and you have nothing to apologize for. What I love about this blog and Twitter is that they let me be creative in ways that are kind of frivolous. And frivolous can be wonderful sometimes.

  4. terrablack says:

    I send you prayers for peace – it’s not at all easy to get over the death of someone dear and depending on how close sometimes you never do but with peace you come to a point of realization that makes it easier to remember and think of them without hurt (or not as much hurt) so I wish you peace.

  5. 20forty says:

    Thinking of you girl. I lost my brother in a car accident in 2006. He was 42. It made me realize how short life truly is and gave me an appreciation for every single day. And though, like you, I would much rather wake up in someone’s arm than alone, I also know that I have to love my life and cherish every single moment. What if there’s a chance that I spend the rest of it alone? If that’s the plan, then I can’t spend time wishing and waiting and hoping. I have to live and love and enjoy every day…alone or not.

  6. bellaressa says:

    I am so sorry for your lost. I know how it feels but I know that she knew you loved and cared for her. Sometimes even when time passes we know that we are loved by those truly we call friend or family. I enjoy your blog and writings the ups and downs, it gives me hope. I hope you feel better, I know you will with time but I wish you well.

  7. calamari says:

    I agree with you that it’s important to embrace every day and work tenaciously towards your goals, but make sure you don’t forget all the things you’ve already accomplished SINgleGIRL. You are a smart, talented and beautiful woman. You write an amazing blog and you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to share all your most personal fears, insecurities and happy moments with the rest of the world.

    I know for a fact that your writing helps people understand themselves. It also lets them know that they are not alone in their feelings, and that is special. So keep dating, writing and searching for the right guy, I know you’ll find him someday. But also remember that all your friends (offline and online) are better off for knowing you.

  8. MissJoJo says:

    I lost my dad last year and the one thing I learned from that painful experience was to make sure I live life not waiting on what might happen tomorrow. My dad was only 64 years old but one of the things he said was that he lived a good life. I pray that when my time comes I can say the same.

    What does this have to do with dating?
    I am in a relationship (so I guess its not dating but not the point…) that is dry as a desert. No affection, no nothing. My guy seems to have priority for other things and I have just accepted it because I was being ‘understanding’.

    After reading your post I am reminded of the things not to take for granted. Life. Even if someone else is taking me for granted its time to move on.

  9. darkheath says:

    Very sorry, hon.

  10. recklessstudio says:

    It’s hard to say the word “understand” because no one can really feel the same way you do at any time. It’s your emotions and they can never be replicated.

    But I am sorry for your loss and you are in my prayers. And as you go out tonight on another date, you give the example that life is nothing to take for granted.

  11. starangel82 says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss.