Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

If At First You Don’t Succeed

I really enjoyed Seth’s recent post over at The Dating Papers, “How To Get Over Your Ex”.  And I completely agree with him.  As I’ve commented on before, I am not a fan of wallowing, or making sad desperate calls to when you’re feeling low.

That said.  I’d also like to add, this is not always easy.  And anyone who says it is is a liar.  Yeah, we should all just man up, delete the numbers from our cell phones and get on with our lives.  If someone has made it clear that they have no space for us in their lives and their hearts, then there’s really no point in holding onto that shit.

Even if they say they want to be friends.  Even if they call you sometimes.  Even if it makes you feel better when they say they care.

I’ve been struggling with this lately.  Yeah, me.  Proponent of the Dead to Me school of break ups.  The very first person to comment on Seth’s post and say, “yes, I agree”.  Lot’s of stuff has been going haywire in my life that has nothing to do with dating and relationships (family stuff and work stuff and money stuff – the yucky stuff of being an adult).  And one of my exes has been wanting to be there, in my life.  Not consistently.  Not helpfully.  But occasionally, when it’s convenient for him and he feels like it for whatever reason.  Nostalgia, I guess. And sometimes I let him,  Sometimes I even reach out.  And then I get really mad because he’s self involved or unresponsive to my needs. Which is kind of funny because I know with absolute certainty that he is self involved and unresponsive to my needs.

Hah.  I deleted his number again today.  For like the 20th time since I’ve known him.  Seriously, I’ve not exagerating.  I’ve also removed him from my “friends” list and blocked him from receiving my Tweets.  None of that is irreversable.  I can’t be 100% certain that sometime in the next month or two months or three that I won’t be feeling low or lonely and suddenly he’ll seem like the most logical person to turn to.  But I am hoping that by outing my stupidity here on my blog I’m a heck of a lot less likely to behave that way in the future.

And now I’ve got to go get pretty for my date tonight.

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6 to “If At First You Don’t Succeed”

  1. Teifion says:

    “Yeah, we should all just man up” – How does that work if you are a lady? Do you glue stubble to your chin and burp/fart in public? 😛

    I plan to not fall off my bike again (mostly because it hurt a lot) but at some point I probably will. All that I can do is to pick myself up again and try not to repeat it. I can’t see how this is any different, sure it sucks to make a mistake and some are more costly than others. But at the end of the day, it’s a mistake and you can learn from it.

  2. Seth Simonds says:

    Once somebody gets under your skin, pulling them out can be one of the most excruciating things in life.

    Don’t forget. We have a deal. I might have to sneak in one more post about Valentine’s Day though. =)

    I hope your date goes well tonight!

  3. FitDarcie says:

    I too am a big “rip-it-off-like-a-bandaid” girl… But I still talk to an ex that I broke up 3 years go on a nearly daily basis. None of my friends know because I am so humiliated that I do it. It gets more complicated because I don’t know what the protocol would be now if/when I get a new boyfriend.

  4. bobbyjensen says:

    I think it’s just the human condition for two people that have broken up to be better off away from each others lives. I know that sometimes it can work as friends, it has happened to me, but in general I mean.
    I don’t think contacting him is right or wrong. I think it’s your world to play in and you do it your way. Blogging can help sometimes just like talking to a friend can.
    Now, I’m off to read Seth’s blog :)

  5. recklessstudio says:

    It happens to the best of us. I always recommend stopping contact with someone you’re broken up with. Only because I think it’s important to focus on you and fend off any potential distractions from doing that. If it’s possible to reconvene at a later time, I think that’s fine too, but in this day age you have an option. You can either let someone into your life who is just made to bring you down. You can bring them into your life for when it’s convenient to you (yes, I would consider this using someone but people do it out there – I’m not saying it’s right). Or you can just accept that fact that this person is not going to fulfill your emotional needs adequately and consistently enough and get him out of your life.

    I understand the prior investment with ex as opposed to someone like, Mr. Potential, but some of the principles are the same. They both didn’t make the cut. One just lasted longer than the other. But this is all just surface stuff. I don’t know how deep you and your ex goes that much. But I’, glad you are taking the necessary steps to decide what’s REALLY best for you.

  6. SINgleGIRL says:

    “A mistake you can learn from”. That’s kind of like my motto, isn’t it?
    Thanks. It was a good date. And I’m looking forward to seeing how Vday plays out for the both of us.
    I totally understand your issue here. I hid my recent contact with this ex from friends for a while. And then I realized that I was feeling worse about it because they didn’t know. So I told a couple of close friends. And they understood. They were shocked (and not entirely supportive) but understood. I think this is one of those areas where there are lots of us holding on to the same secrets. Afraid of telling our friends the truth. And that’s really destructive because then we all think we’re alone. And we’re not.
    Thanks. Who knows why we let a person ‘haunt’ us for months or years after they are officially out of our lives. It’s one of those strange things people do like eat food they know makes them sick (at least I do that). I just hope I’ve gotten this one out of my system.