Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Happy Monday

I am so tired.  Tired and achy and desperately wishing I could’ve just stayed in bed this morning.  And I had an insanely stressful Sunday, dealing with really hard family/personal stuff.

But besides all that I’m in a pretty good mood.  This is the first week in over a month that I’m not wondering about that silly situation with Mr. Potential (yeah that silly situation that I put myself into –  and I take full responsibility for it).  I feel really good about not being in it anymore.

I realized yesterday, during one of my train rides, that I’d repeated an error (OK, many errors, sure)  I’d made many times before.  I fixated on my first impression of Mr. P and even when there was contradictory information I refused to take it into account because I already had a fixed image of him in my head.

This is something I’ve been doing, unfortunately, for years.  I can recall a time when I’d started to date my doctor (OK, have I mentioned that I am the queen of dating dysfuction and have frequently exhibited some rather poor ?).  He was very handsome but more importantly he was very nice to me when I was sick.  He stopped being nice to me when we started dating.  He was anything but nice.  He was probably the biggest I have ever had the misfortune of spending time with.  But it took me months to realize it, because I had this fixed image of him in my head as the nice man who was kind to me when I was sick.

Mr. Potential wasn’t an asshole.  He never lied to me.  He never did a lot of other things also.  Things that I usually require from men I spend time with.  But I didn’t fully acknowledge what was going on because I was blinded by the image I had of him as a nice man.

OK..  Cool.  It’s over.  I’m in a good mood today.  I hope everyone else is having a good day, too.

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9 to “Happy Monday”

  1. bellaressa says:

    Happy Monday to you to. I think you have a great outlook. You can’t correct something unless you know what the problem or situation is and you have yours – now you just need to correct that and have some fun!

  2. sfsingleguy says:

    “He never did a lot of other things also. Things that I usually require from men I spend time with.”

    So, for the single guys out here… give us a clue :)

  3. michellebythec says:

    Oddly profound observation on the “fixated on the first impression” front. I see a lot of myself in that characterization. Definitely have been guilty of not spotting the asshole a time or two… Great read, thanks for writing :)

    Also…you are awesome, hilarious, and obviously too good to waste of Mr. Potential- kudos to you for realizing it!

  4. cjw666 says:

    Great post and well done for realising where you went wrong. Will it be different next time? Hm… I wonder. We all INTEND to not make the same mistakes again, but a lot of us do.

    Just one other thought (and it’s only a question): are you sure that you don’t also get fixated on what you want and then try too hard to persuade yourself that a basically nice guy fits into that pattern, even though he doesn’t actually come close for whatever reason.

    I hear you, “didn’t do a lot of things you expect from a man.” Good for you. Quite right too. Might that not have been a bit more obvious earlier if you were a tad more flexible, though?

    Whatever …. I’m delighted you are happy. Good for you.

  5. recklessstudio says:

    Happy Monday to you! Glad it’s over as well. It’s hard to let go of something fixated in your head when you are looking for the “potential” of something good to come out of it.

    At least this tells me that you’re still not afraid to open up, even though it may have seemingly let you down many times in the past.

    Keep on keepin’ on!

  6. RVASarah says:

    Amen, sista! I have always been guilty of fixating on first impressions. But like Reckless said, I think some of it is trying to see the potential in the other person. Unfortunately though, and NML has said this many a time, that fixation gets women into a lot of trouble and keeps them from letting go when they should. Right on for seeing Mr. P for what he was sooner rather than much later.

  7. Susan Walsh says:

    SingleGirl, I am proud of you! I know it’s hard to walk away wondering if you’re throwing in the towel too soon. But you had the strength to be brutally objective, which is more than most of us can say. And I’m so glad you can see that this is a case of: It’s Not You, It’s Definitely Him.

    Great blog, love it.

  8. SINgleGIRL says:

    Rushing today but I have some time to reply to a few of you – I promise to get to the rest by the end of the day (sorry about that, not playing faves – just strapped for time today).
    Thanks. I don’t really think of myself as having a great outlook. Just trying to be honest with myself. And I will try to have some fun, dammit!
    As I’ve mentioned, I was particularly frustrated with his lack of follow up between dates. I don’t require a next day call. But I like to hear from a guy I’m seeing (even when we’re not exclusive), even if it’s just a quick text or email every few days. He would do that, but not consistently. And sometimes not for days at a time. And he left if to me to make plans most of the time. The combination of the 2 had me making significantly more effort than him. Then there was the fact that seldom asked me questions about my life. I knew the names of all of his closest friends and co-workers and stories behind their relationships. He didn’t know any of that stuff for me.
    Thanks so very much. I think that you and I have a lot of company in this. Most people want to believe the best about others. And so when we start off thinking good things, it can be hard to let go of that belief.

  9. SINgleGIRL says:

    Well, yes, I was looking for a nice guy and so once I decided that Mr. Potential was a nice guy it was hard to see that all of his behavior didn’t fit that pattern. I guess I don’t see where flexibility comes into this. I’m not going to become flexible with my standards (for how I believe I should be treated) nor am I going to decide that I suddenly don’t need a partner and am willing to settle for less. I’ve had less, for the last too many years. I had it because I was settling for it. Flexibility has been my enemy.
    No, still not afraid to open up. Not yet. I’ll keep you posted.
    Isn’t it telling that I called him Mr. Potential? Still, I think it’s a good sign. That I’m not a bitter old manhater.
    -Susan Walsh,
    Thanks so much and thanks for joining the discussion. Yes, it’s always hard to know when is the right time to throw in the towel. I was actually sitting in bed that night thinking, when do I do it? Sunday night? A week from now? I was giving him a deadline in my mind. And then I realized what I was doing and picked up the phone and pulled the plug.