I’m not going to do resolutions. What would be the point? Most of the things that are causing me stress are completely beyond my control. All I can really do is keep going. Keep trying. Keep being as honest and sincere and open and I can be and hope that someday all of my hard work and good karma will pay off.
But I know that not everyone gets what they deserve in this life. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Some people live their whole lives with nothing but struggle and sadness. I don’t believe that it has anything to do with “deserving”. It’s just the way the world is. I guess that’s why I can’t stand so much of the self-helpy stuff floating about the net. I will never believe that my destiny is complety within my control or that there is a “secret” to happiness and I also don’t really believe in a higher power. I just believe in doing the best I can and hoping it all works out.
Wow, what a downer I am today.
But maybe reading that first will help you to understand the next thing I’m about the to say, I had a really, really nice time with Mr. Potential last night and this morning. Nicer than I even thought I might. It was the best time we’ve ever had together. We cooked together, which can be stressful if you’re not in sync and it was a complete delight. And we had lots of sex. And it was better sex, frankly, than we usually have (not that it’s usually not good, but there are shades of good). And yet I feel like I have no idea if he will be in my life in two weeks. None. And I don’t think there’s a thing I can do about it.
I’ve unhidden my profile and and will start to see other people. He knows about this and seems actually relieved about it. I’m not sure he realizes that this means we won’t be spending the night together anymore. I made an exception for NYE because we’d had those plans, but I really don’t believe in sleeping (not a euphemism for having sex) with a guy while continuing to see other people. He and I can still have sex, but not spend the whole night together. Things are going to have to become far more casual between us. Looking forward into the next few weeks, I just can’t imagine how this might play out. I think it’s pretty likely it will just pull us completely apart.
Which is just funny because I finally got the guts to tell him I have a blog. I didn’t give him the name or too many details. Just that I was an anonymous blogger and that I wrote about dating and relationships. Ugh. It’s hurting me to replay this all in my head.
And so today I am struck with this bizarre sadness. The fact that me and Mr. Potential had a good night is almost completely negated by the fact that I am looking into 2009 and see nothing but confusion and probably more lonliness. Happy New Year.
Oh, today’s Song of the Day is The New Year by Death Cab for Cutie.
Tags: blog, sex, song