Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Gloomy Monday

I love to read.  I think I’ve mentioned several times that I’d rather stay home and read than be on a date with someone I don’t like a lot.

So why am I mentioning this now?  2 reasons:

1) To reiterate that I don’t actually enjoy dating.  In fact, I dislike it intensely. I’ve stated this many times.  Many, many, many times.  For me, dating is a means to an ends.  It’s the very first steps towards an eventual future relationship. I like being in relationships.  It makes me happy to have a partner(for many reasons, one of them being the sex, but of course I can get sex in other ways). I am completely open and honest about this with all of the men I meet, just as I am with you lovely folks out here in the blogosphere.  I am not asking anyone to agree with me. Or even to understand why I feel the way I do.  This is the way I feel. This is the way I think.  I am comfortable with myself and don’t feel that I am wrong or defective in any major way.  So, it’s kind of a waste of time for anyone to try to convince me that I am wrong.  That I should learn to enjoy dating.  Learn to take things slow.  Be open to the possibilties.   That I should radically change my views on sex, dating and relationships.

2) Reading is a funny thing. There is what’s on the page and then what each reader projects onto the page from their own personal experiences.  Much of what”s written in my (And I love that people comment.  I love that there is a dialogue.  But I will be honest, the tone of some of the dialogue in the last few days has been a real turn off for me. I tried to make light of it in my last post, but failed miserably. I was not saying that I think men are like mice, but was mocking some of the warning me to not talk with Mr. Potential because I would chase him away and that it was a miracle he hadn’t run already as I had been so rude as to dare hide my profile and then speak with him about it after only one month of dating.  I found these views absurd and was mocking them.  I think men and women are equally capable of frank conversations about the status of relationships and the reason so many relationships go awry is because people are afraid to speak up and declare their desires. ) seems to be about the commenters projecting their own issues into my life.  And that’s cool.  That’s what we do as readers.  But let’s get clear here – I am an actual 3 dimensional, real world person.  I share a tiny fraction of my world, mostly out of context (you don’t know about my family, finances, values, upbringing, friends, etc) on my blog.  When you make wild assumptions about things that have no relationship to my reality and then judge me based on those assumptions, it’s kind of distasteful.  Please think.  I very much welcome your .  And your encouragement warms my heart.  Just think.

So moving on- Mr. Potential seems to feel really good about our talk.  I received very nice texts from him last nice and this morning.  I’m happy about that.  I tried to keep the drama/tension level of our talk to a minimum (Of course, I didn’t say anything about checking to see if he was online). It was just about clarification because I felt he was sending me mixed signals and I like things clear.  Lack of clarity makes me unhappy and I have every right to be happy.  I didn’t want to go into NYE with a cloud over my head as my last serious relationship ended on NYE and that’s already providing me with enough baggage, very much (no, Mr. Potential doesn’t know about that unpleasant anniversary and there’s no reason for him to know).

But more importantly, it’s clearer to me that he and I are probably just poorly suiited for one another.  I don’t need a lot of time to know whether or not I want to be in a relationship with someone.  The way I see it, if it turns out that we aren’t well suited for one another then the relationship won’t last.  No big deal.  But I want to get in there and get involved and do the work and find out.  Really find out.  I know that not everyone works this way.  Some people need months to date casually and see if maybe they might want to invest in a person on that level.  I don’t think those two types of people are compatible and it seems that Mr. Potential is in the latter group.  I’m OK with that. I don’t feel the need to make myself unhappy for the next few months while he tries to figure things out.  I don’t think it has anything to do with me (Maybe it does, but I don’t think so.  It’s just the way he is.).

Oh, you might be wondering why I titled this post Gloomy Monday.  Well, I’ll be honest with you.  Usually I read the comments and they make me feel good.  Like writing ths blog is a good thing and I’m glad I do it.  But not today.  Today I felt like if I had to go and write individual replies to everyone and actually “defend” myself against every off target statement I’d get nothing else done.  And that made me feel gloomy (clearly I didn’t bother).

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16 to “Gloomy Monday”

  1. PokerVixen says:

    I think sometimes people assume that someone blogging things entitles them to judge. Its unfortunate. To me, I view it as reading someone’s diary. An insight and snippet of their life I’m lucky to have them share.

    I like your attitude about dating. Its similar to my own. Serial dating is the very last thing I want. I’d imagine it be very unsatisfying. I have great respect for you knowing what you want in life and being unapologetic in both want and the efforts to achieve it. That doesn’t mean you’re close minded or rigid. Its confident and self assured. I hope you find the man who sees and appreciates that.

    Thanks again for the peek into your life.

  2. derek7272 says:

    Sorry we got you down… you seem like a cool girl and deserve to be happy. So what’s next? Going to explore anything with the ex? Any hits on the reactivated online dating profile yet?

  3. Teifion says:

    As somebody that blogs very regularly you’ve no doubt noticed that people don’t always “get” what you mean and misinterpret what you said. When there are a few comments that get you down it might be worth thinking about what the writer meant when they wrote it.

    Then you need to decide what you’ll do about it. You have I feel 3 main choices: agreement, disagreement and apathy.

    Agreement would be thinking “they have a point, I don’t agree with everything that they said but they have a point and I will take it on board”. That’s pretty positive, it shows you are carefully thinking about things and that comments are important.

    Disagreement ranges from swearing at people and calling them rude and nasty names to becoming upset by them and affected in what is still a negative way (you’re the latter not the former).

    And then there is my favourite; Apathy. Apathy is essentially where you don’t care about the remark made, you don’t agree with it but you refuse to get worked up about it even a little bit. I’m rather emotionally detached from anything social and so while I might simply be able to choose to be Apathetic, I understand it will take determination and practice from others.

    Each has it’s good and bad points, there are times when Apathy is not a good idea, there are times when agreement will never be a viable option and there are times when you need to be called out on your actions. The key issue I feel is how you go through and come out of the thought process, are you happy or sad and why?

    To quote Dale Carnegie from How to Win Friends and Influence People: The best way to be energetic is to act energetic.

    It thus stands to reason that acting positive will make you feel positive.

  4. cjw666 says:

    Yes. I understand exactly what you’re saying, but I think you’re also misunderstanding what others have been saying. I think we all assume that, like it or not, dating is one of the major things you do. It may be a means to an end, but you do it – ONLINE! If anyone dates online, good as it may be in some ways, you’ve got to enjoy it, I think. You meet a lot of people, but the chances (in spite of profiles that may, or may not, be accurate) of meeting someone with similar likes, dislikes, desires, wants, attitudes to life, etc., etc., are pretty limited, whatever the sites would have you believe – that’s my opinion. If you really want to meet a lot of like-minded people, go join the local string quartet club, or whatever.

    So, in a way (and not necessarily in the accepted or YOUR terms) you too are a “player”, if you online date. Therefore, to find the right guy, you’re going to have to play the game.

    Think of it like this, if you met a guy by other means, such as at a club for something that interests you (and him) then you might well meet and chat and even have an occasional beer together (assuming it’s not a temperance club). In time, you might find a common interest in each other and start to date…

    If you shortcut that process by online dating, then you’re gonna scare the hell out of some guy who’s interested in you by trying to shortcut the next three months too! Does that make sense?

    All I think all of us are saying (well, most of us) is that both you and he need to slow down and see what happens. He might be a “player” and no more. He might be as dedicated to finding an LTR as you. He MIGHT be a player whose kind of hoping for more if he meets someone as wonderful as you, but he’s going to take some convincing – and SO SHOULD YOU, but give him space!

    I don’t hink anyone’s criticising you, I’m certainly not – I wouldn’t dream of it – it’s your life, not mine! But there seems to be a concensus of opinion that, if Mr. P. (or any other future Mr. P.) is worth bothering with, then you’ve got to take things a bit slower and give him and yourself a bit more time to see what’s REALLY there and what it MIGHT develop into.

    I hope I’m not speaking out of turn for others, but that seems to me like it’s the basic difference between what I and others are saying and what you’re hearing – and we all love you to bits and wish you everything you wish for yourself in the New Year – just give it time to happen … or not.

    PS: Acting positive will make you feel positive, like you say – sadly, it only make you SEEM positive, not BE positive. Screw Dale Carnegie :)

  5. cjw666 says:

    Sorry, I didn’t make it plain that the PS was directed at Teifion, who makes some excellent points, but it was only a bit of a joke anyway.

  6. bobbyjensen says:

    “I think men and women are equally capable of frank conversations about the status of relationships and the reason so many relationships go awry is because people are afraid to speak up and declare their desires.”

    Yep, my favorite word-communication :)

    Seems that you cleared things up with Mr. P…fantastic!

  7. derek7272 says:

    P.S. glad to hear you don’t think men are “indecisive, spineless wusses”!

  8. Teifion says:

    @cjw666 (see how I tell people who I’m talking to in advance? :P)

    I can personally testify that trying to make yourself feel a certain way will make you feel that way. Granted it’s not a foolproof way of doing things but it does work. Again, it might be my rather odd personality that makes it easier for me so I’ll understand if I get anybody/everybody calling me a silly person :)

  9. Singlegal says:

    I think you and I are very much alike other than just name. I do not like dating. I find it to be pretentious and nerve-racking. I manifest anxiety in weird ways and do stupid things (like puke on shoes). I, also, like to read (ps – check out Behind the Bedroom Door if you get a chance! Great read I think you’ll like). One thing that “dating” has taught me is to go with your gut. If you’re not feeling it long term with Mr. Potential, than it probably isn’t going to be. I kept trying to force square pegs into round holes and it just got me into worse positions. Follow your heart.

  10. 20forty says:

    Girl I’ve been so into some fantastic books lately that I’ve had trouble tearing myself away to be out in the real world! I love reading! :)

    I think people are right. It’s very hard to interpret people’s feelings, etc. by what they write. I also think that without really meaning too we interject our own perspectives into what we read and so, when we respond, our responses are colored by our own experiences.

    That being said I am right there with you when it comes to hating dating. Ugh. And, right now, I especially hate dating online…to the point where I’m simply not even going to do it. Burnout, cynicism, whatever it might be, it just holds no appeal. I also think that if you feel you are poorly suited and that the relationship is not and will not give you what you need from a relationship, you are completely doing the right thing by calling it a day. It doesn’t take me long to assess this compatibility with someone and, when I do if it’s not a match, it’s time to walk away sooner than later.


  11. kirarenee says:

    Lately I read almost obsessively. I sit at work during the day (yes I get my job done but there isn’t much to do and I get it done quickly) and peruse blogs and news and literature. At home, I seem to constantly have a book in my hand. My sister laughs at me because I often fall asleep with a book on my face.
    As with most, I have an involuntary habit of relating personal experiences and preferences to what I am reading- no matter what the material. Sometimes it is a way of identifying with what I am reading, other times it is an attempt to better understand what I am reading but most times it is simply habit. I did it even just reading your blog today- quite possibly because I understand exactly where you are coming from.
    Like you, I welcome comments on my posts and blogs, however, there are times that the comments get me down. Yes, when we write public blogs, we subject ourself to criticism. However, criticism and judgment are two entirely different things. There are times I find myself wanting not to write specific things or to leave things out because I know that my readers will not react kindly. How sad is that?
    Everyone has their own opinions and rightfully so. What we all need to remember is that, while we don’t have to agree with the opinions and views of others, we should be open minded enough to respect them. There is not one person on this earth that has the right to judge someone else for their values, beliefs, and/or opinions.

  12. WiiAdam says:

    I’ve been spending a lot of time reading & evaluating my own spaces lately. I’ve come through a lot in the past year; some of it so depressing. And, yet, you have to give everything and everyone a chance.

    I don’t know if Mr. P is right for you. Only you, dear, will find that out. Time is what matters.
    No matter what, value your time, and do things that are going to be for the best, for YOU!

    Like you, I’m single (just a bit older, and god forbid, not wiser)..I’m constantly learning and If I’m not in a relationship right now I’m not going to sweat it. I hope I’m never Wise..It would be a shame to know everything: impossible too!

    Happy New Year, friend.
    I’ll keep my fingers-crossed for you and at 12a.m. send you a kiss*


  13. demure20 says:

    Like kirarenee said, I too have an involuntary habit of relating personal experiences. But I’m not one to judge or even want to debate. If I find similarities I can relate with (though no one person can ever be in another persons shoe), I share my experiences even if it is opposite for sake of interesting dialogue and getting to know one another. Share as in, just to tell. Not to mock and bring the individuals esteem down.
    So with that being said. My story has no point, but I’d like to share. I was once a serial dater and loved it. Some were short others were shorter! haha But I had fun. Then I was dating a guy for a month and a half. One of the reasons being, he was the very first guy who I thought to be very compatible and I had already started to develop feelings for him. If it were up to me, I would’ve jumped right into a relationship. Why wait it out!! So we eventually were an item (we didn’t have sex) only for him to cut me loose after a week and a half!!!! :rant:
    I’m currently in a relationship of 6+ years. There are those once in a blue moon where him and I have the worst argument. Then I start to think, if this relationship were to be over I don’t think I’d have the heart to invest time to getting to know an individual inside and out. So, I think I’d serial date again and keep it that way.

  14. lovenote says:

    I also enjoy reading over dating. I find dating to be pointless and for some reason I hate the part of ‘getting to know’ the person. I rather just know them and be able to make the decision right away then wasting time. Reading on the other hand is relaxing.

  15. jk228855 says:

    Thank you so much for your comment! I’m really enjoying writing this blog so far and it’s good to know someone out there is reading it ha ha. I totally agree with you not needing a lot of time to know if you want to be in a relationship with a person. I’m the same way. I can know by the third or fourth date if I want to continue towards a relationship. I hope you have a good New Years!

  16. SINgleGIRL says:

    Thank you all for your lovely comments. With my next post, I will go back to replying to them/you individually. For now I just want to say thank you (again, always, with love and affection) for your support and encouragement.