I was doing some hard core wallowing earlier today. Sadly I felt the need to share my feeling with the folks on Twitter, which somehow made it worse. What should have been a passing feeling turned into a long, drawn out evaluation of what I was feeling and why.
I’d made the mistake of checking in on the online dating site. I did so thinking that it would say that Mr. Potential hadn’t been there in a few days. I don’t know why I assumed it would say that. I guess I figured because he’s away with his family and he’s been so attentive while he’s been away and was so (kind of) enthusiastic about us maybe going away together for New Year’s Eve. I thought it would say he hadn’t checked in in a while and that that would make me very happy. And I was having a rough morning for other reasons that had nothing to do with him and was looking for something to make me happy.
The best laid plans…There it was, in bold, “ONLINE NOW”. Not only hadn’t it been a few days but he had gone online seconds after sending me a sweet text. Or maybe he’d sent me the text while online. Now, there was no way he was there looking at my profile, as it’s hidden. So he can’t see it, no one can. He still has his active membership with the most expensive package.
So, I got upset. No, he’s never lied to me. He told me he wasn’t hiding his profile. It’s been almost a month since we had our talk about the online profiles and me hiding mine (I think, yeah a month sounds right). And we haven’t talked about it subsequently. We’ve never talked about the relationship being exclusive, but we did talk about not having sex with other people and that was when we talked about the profiles being hidden. And he bought me a Xmas gift which is something I didn’t do for him because I didn’t think we were “there” yet. Sigh…
I had other things to do today so I just decided I needed to shake it off. But before I could I texted him and very sheepishly asked if he had a NYE update. I apologized for asking. I hate nagging, in general, and I was hyperaware that as I was asking him about “our” potential NYE plans he was on the online dating site potentially making a date with someone else. Ouch.
He replied a few minutes later. He said that he was sorry, that he was being flaky. That I wasn’t being a nag. That he was coming home in time for NYE and was looking forward to spending the night with me. I replied and said I was happy and that we’d talk when he got home.
But, you know, I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t help but feel that our spending that night together had nothing to do with him not sticking around CA to visit with old friends but rather plans with some other woman falling through. I hate that I feel that way, but I do. I guess I really am too damaged to let myself give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.
I am going to have to talk with him about this as soon as he gets home. On the phone. Which is not preferable, but I don’t want to do it on New Year’s Eve. I’m not really sure what I’ll say, but I’m resolved to say something. Call it my pre New Year’s resolution.
Tags: online dating profiles, trust, Twitter