Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Resolution (in my mind)

I was doing some hard core wallowing earlier today.  Sadly I felt the need to share my feeling with the folks on , which somehow made it worse. What should have been a passing feeling turned into a long, drawn out evaluation of what I was feeling and why.

I’d made the mistake of checking in on the online dating site.  I did so thinking that it would say that Mr. Potential hadn’t been there in a few days.  I don’t know why I assumed it would say that.  I guess I figured because he’s away with his family and he’s been so attentive while he’s been away and was so (kind of) enthusiastic about us maybe going away together for New Year’s Eve.  I thought it would say he hadn’t checked in in a while and that that would make me very happy.  And I was having a rough morning for other reasons that had nothing to do with him and was looking for something to make me happy.

The best laid plans…There it was, in bold, “ONLINE NOW”.  Not only hadn’t it been a few days but he had gone online seconds after sending me a sweet text. Or maybe he’d sent me the text while online.  Now, there was no way he was there looking at my profile, as it’s hidden.  So he can’t see it, no one can.  He still has his active membership with the most expensive package.

So, I got upset.  No, he’s never lied to me. He told me he wasn’t hiding his profile. It’s been almost a month since we had our talk about the online profiles and me hiding mine (I think, yeah a month sounds right).   And we haven’t talked about it subsequently.  We’ve never talked about the relationship being exclusive, but we did talk about not having sex with other people and that was when we talked about the profiles being hidden.  And he bought me a Xmas gift which is something I didn’t do for him because I didn’t think we were “there” yet.  Sigh…

I had other things to do today so I just decided I needed to shake it off.  But before I could I texted him and very sheepishly asked if he had a NYE update.  I apologized for asking.  I hate nagging, in general, and I was hyperaware that as I was asking him about “our” potential NYE plans he was on the online dating site potentially making a date with someone else.  Ouch.

He replied a few minutes later.  He said that he was sorry, that he was being flaky.  That I wasn’t being a nag.  That he was coming home in time for NYE and was looking forward to spending the night with me.  I replied and said I was happy and that we’d talk when he got home.

But, you know, I wasn’t happy.  I couldn’t help but feel that our spending that night together had nothing to do with him not sticking around CA to visit with old friends but rather plans with some other woman falling through.  I hate that I feel that way, but I do. I guess I really am too damaged to let myself give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

I am going to have to talk with him about this as soon as he gets home.  On the phone.  Which is not preferable, but I don’t want to do it on New Year’s Eve.  I’m not really sure what I’ll say, but I’m resolved to say something.  Call it my pre New Year’s resolution.

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15 to “Resolution (in my mind)”

  1. Teifion says:

    I’m not sure what you should say, I don’t know you very well or him at all and thus any guess I make would be accurate only through luck and wrong through statistical probability. I will however pray for you :)

  2. spoiledsometimes says:

    You are hinging a lot on the fact that he still has his profile active, and yet there are many men who could have hidden it by now, fed you a bunch of lies, and you still wouldn’t be in any better place than where you are now when it all comes down to it. You are allowing your own neediness to ruin anything he might have planned. It doesn’t sound like he’s waivered and a Christmas present isn’t a commitment, but it sure is a step in saying “Hey I really like you.” I mean at 6-8 weeks isn’t that saying a lot. Isn’t it better that he says what he really feels instead of leading you on? Also, if he was willing to commit so fast because you were ready to would be more of a warning sign than the fact that he’s not willing to rush his emotions because you are already there. Hell most men would have ran by now, for the fact you were probably quick to hide your own profile. I get that you guys aren’t sleeping with anyone else, but I did that for 7 months with a guy and both of us knew should the other one find someone we wanted to really date it would end. Not sleeping with other people again doesn’t put you in a relationship. The only thing that is going to help your situation is to take some time, find some patience and don’t beat him up for not following your train of thought when it comes to what makes a relationship. Feel free to tell him how you feel, but don’t hold him to some expectation to change the way he does just because you need to get something off your chest. Either be open to the fact that it might take him SOME time to get where you are, and be ok with it, or move on. Right now all your doing is making yourself crazy, and hound him about it enough and he’s going to think you are crazy. He’s not every other guy you’ve ever dated. Don’t treat him like it.

  3. Teifion says:

    I think that what “spoiledsometimes” says is much better than what I said, can I change my answer?

  4. SINgleGIRL says:

    As usual, you are a dear.
    I think you misunderstand the situation, and for that I have myself to blame. I am still in a pretty emotionally ambivalent place in relation to Mr. Potential. I like him but I am holding myself back, keeping myself from caring too much. This is why there are still many things we still don’t know about each other. I keep us from having certain deep and meaningful conversations because I am not going to care unless I am sure it is safe to do so. I am not waiting for him to catch up to the level of emotional intensity that I have. I am stressed out because of what I see as the mixed messages he is sending.

    I am glad you are happy in your relationship, but honestly, if a guy needs 7 months to decide if he wants to be with me then he’s just not decisive enough for me. I am so Type A about everything. Yoga 3 times a week isn’t going to change that.

    It’s not about jealousy or insecurity. I can do open relationships. In fact, I think they work quite well. If he said, ‘I want to work on a relationship with you but I still want to see other people’, I could be cool with that. I’d be open to seeing other people, too. But right now what I am hearing from his actions is still, I don’t know what I want (not sure I want you) and that makes me nuts. And so I’ll have to talk with him about the fact that it makes me nuts. I deserve to be happy.

  5. bellaressa says:

    Did your conversation include being exclusive? If so you have a lot to discuss. Just know that you deserve better and more if that is what you want.

  6. bobbyjensen says:

    I think spoiledsometimes gave excellent advice! And like Teifion said, even though we live close to each other, I’ve never met you in person or Mr. Potential either.

    I’m going to give a different response here based from numerous guys through the years that have had online profiles (Dating or otherwise), that I’ve talked to about similar situations as this one.

    My guess would be that 90% of them were players. The ones that were sincere, talked about the lady all the time, and certainly disabled their profile long before 3-5 dates. If it sounds like I’m skeptical, it’s because I am. I am skeptical about many things men and woman do based from the cyber-world. Not only because I’ve gotten to know many cyber people in person and saw the reality of them in person, but because I have been, and am now, a moderator of a large dating site.

    There are sincere people, but unfortunately, for one reason or another, are in the minority. I would say hang in there and trust your instincts.

  7. cjw666 says:

    Sorry SINgleGIRL, I think spoiledsometimes is 100% right. I think you are looking for the impossible. You say you are looking for a man who is so decisive he will decide that you are the one for him in (metaphorically) ten minutes flat. Well, I hope you’re lucky, but I really do think any man that decisive will decide to move very rapidly in the opposite direction.

    If you’re REALLY looking for someone who will be so totally smitten with you almost immediately, then he’s going to be anything but decisive – just a love-sick wimp (even if he’s not normally a wimp).

    Since I don’t know either of you, I can only say, if I were Mr. P., I would indeed be saying I don’t know if I want you – I might well be saying I think you’re bloody gorgeous – absolutely stunning and adorable – but why oh why are you in such a GODDAM hurry? Let’s see how it goes. Sometimesspoiled is absolutely right in my opinion – it may or may not work out in the end, but the fact that he’s stuck around in spite of the pressure you’ve applied (whether you meant to or not) is indicative of more than a passing interest in you.

  8. Hypatia says:

    I have to say, I think spoiledsometimes is mostly right. He *could* be lying to you, but he’s not which right away tells us he’s a pretty good guy. He’s unsure about you, for whatever reason. Do what you have to do to get resolution for yourself, but you could end up pushing him away.

    If I were in your shoes (which, I kind of am), I would say–“Hey, I like you, I think you have some potential, Mr. Potential, but I sense that you’re not at the same place I am– and that’s fine. I just want to lay all my card on the table and pursue something serious, but I understand if that’s not what want right now. We can keep going out, but I’m going to reactivate my profile.”

    And I think you should reactivate your profile– It’s not an ultimatum– Ultimatums are about manipulation– it’s about looking out for your best interest. Sure, Mr. Potential seems great, but there could be a Mr. Fabulous out there that you’re missing because mr. potential can’t make up his mind. Don’t wait around for Mr. Potential to make up his mind, be active in searching again, but let Mr. Potential know.

  9. lechemax says:

    just want to drop by to tell you that as you know, many relationships that are successful (whatever that is!) go through these intensely unsure beginnings. It’s the leap we all have to take, the leap of faith, that scary time that will get better if things work out between you two. I hope Mr. Potential comes through, keep the faith and try to follow your heart. It’s not always right but faith is what keeps us sane in these times of relationship worry. Good luck lady!

  10. derek7272 says:

    >>>But right now what I am hearing from his actions is still, I don’t know what I want (not sure I want you) and that makes me nuts. And so I’ll have to talk with him about the fact that it makes me nuts.

    But why is this making you nuts if you’re not being needy? Okay, so you can’t have deep and meaningful conversations with him for now and are holding back. But what is the rush? Why can’t it wait until after New Year’s?

    What is wrong with him taking a little time to get to know you better before deciding if you are in fact what he wants? You say he’s sending mixed messages, but it sounds like he’s been pretty honest with you…

    I think you should go ahead and have this conversation with him, but if you do it from a needy place it will be a total turn-off… why not go on a few dates with someone else instead?

  11. spoiledsometimes says:

    I think there is some confusion. I am not in an open relationship; actually I’m in a committed relationship and have been for quite sometime. My point was at one venture in my life I had monogamous sex with a man for 7 months and that didn’t make him any more my boyfriend than a random guy off the street. It only meant we had a mutual agreement about what the rules were once we decided to actually sleep together.

    I think you deserve happiness, but honestly how happy can you be with the back and forth you keep giving this. If you need to have the conversation than that it exactly what you should do, but dont be so surprised if he feels like maybe this conversation is coming to soon, and is confused on why it is that you may need it to be all or nothing. Of course that could be part of the deep meaningful stuff that you have yet to discuss with him and you’d be more than happy to settle in the middle.

    I’m just saying the guy doesn’t sound like a bad guy. He just sounds like a guy who has met a woman that he likes, and maybe doesn’t know yet much more than that.

  12. melissa2510 says:

    I agree with Hypatia, lechemax, and spoiledsometimes.

    I’ve also been where you are before…and my advice is to not monitor or stalk his behavior. It will only drive you crazy.

    I also agree with Hypatia that it’s probably best get out and at least consider putting your profile back up or, better yet, getting out and meeting some other guys. You’ll have fun and give the relationship with Mr. Potential some breathing room (-:

  13. cjw666 says:

    SINgleGIRL, one of the main reasons I think spoiledsometimes is right is that you are trying to analyse this man’s actions according to your own standards and emotions, whether you realise it or not. Of course you can generalise and make decisions about what most people mean when they do such and such, but even then, you might be wrong. Why can’t you wait and see? I suspect that, if he knew you were checking on him in this way, he would run a mile. Then again, he may even KNOW you are doing it and be letting you know he’s not going to be monitored and controlled.

    Who knows? But that’s the point, people do what they do for all sorts of reasons and he’s (as far as I can tell from what you’ve said) made no commitment to you do do anything in particular. You made the first move in the hope that he would quickly follow suit, but he hasn’t – so, what does that tell you? Nothing at all for certain, except that he’s not going to be rushed whatever the cost!

    For what it’s worth, I still think you should consider backtracking and reinstating your profile and see what that brings, both in terms of Mr. P. and others.

    Why are you beating yourself up like this? If he’s doing this deliberately, Mr. P. is controlling you and aiming for domination – if not, you’re putting yourself into that situation whether he, or you, want it or not.

    Seriously, if this is all as you write it, I worry for you. Take back control of your life by chilling out and relaxing. This really appears to be controlling you.

  14. SINgleGIRL says:

    Thank you EVERYONE for your wonderful comments and input. I don’t really have time right now to reply to them individually, but I will respond to them in spirit in my next few post. Please know how much I appreciate all of your advice and support.

  15. CJCrimgirl says:

    I’m not here to criticize you or anything. This is a free country and you are entitled to do as you please but I’ve glanced over your past few posts and you seem to be fixated on the fact that this guy has an “active profile.” I’m assuming this is a dating website.

    Instead of obsessing over it and making yourself miserable, why don’t you just ask the guy point blank why he has his profile still active?

    It would be easier on you. Just ask him. Hey, what’s up with your profile? Are we a couple or what?

    Someone, who’d been with upteen different women, once told me women won’t have that discussion. I think it goes for men as well. I refused to have that discussion with that person. While not having a “relationship,” I stayed with this person for over two years. It made the relationship extremely difficult at times.

    I think you are letting your insecurities get to you. Just ask the guy. I mean if he says some lame excuse, just tell him “That’s fine.” and reactive your own account. Do what he’s doing. Enjoy his company but keep reviewing your other choices.

    I just wanted to share that. Just ask him. Would make life a lot better :).