Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Happy Happy

It was two and a half years ago, more or less.  I’m really bad with time.  Work was hectic. I’d had a string of emotionally exhausting relationships in the year prior.  And, well, I came to the conclusion that the very last thing I needed was another boyfriend.  I just couldn’t deal with another guy and his BS.  But that didn’t mean I wanted to live without sex.  And so I made the strategic decision to openly look for a relationship.  A guy who I would see on a regular basis for sex and nothing more than sex.  A fuck-buddy, but someone consistent and dependable.

So I set up an online personals ad that stated pretty explicitly what I was looking for (and I have to admit, that was pretty embarrassing for me). And lo and behold, it’s a lot easier to find a guy for a NSA relationship than it is for a .  Seriously.  I was pretty picky, spending weeks meeting guys who seemed cute and interesting. But when it came down to it what I was looking for was pure physical attraction and chemistry (and someone who wouldn’t annoy the hell out of me, but that’s another story).

I met someone who was a pretty good match for what I was looking for and he and I started seeing each other once or twice a week.  Enough to take the edge off but not so much that it was weird to be spending so much time with this person who I really didn’t know well and didn’t want to know any better.  I have to say, I was pretty happy with the way things were working out.  Sexually we were pretty compatible.  We were having a lot of fun.  The rules were simple, we got together (sometimes for a drink out but usually just at my place), had sex, and he left.  No spending the night.  No cuddling.

And then one night, after a couple of months or so, he says to me after we’d had a particularly fun time, “So, would you like to get together and see a movie sometime next week.  Or don’t you want to do stuff like that?”  And so began one of the strangest relationships I’ve ever had.

I wasn’t looking for the relationship, but here was someone who seemed easy to get along with so I figured why not.  Big mistake.  I never knew where we were, in terms of intimacy and commitment levels.  Sometimes he would act like he was my serious boyfriend, and other times he would act like I was just one of several women he was sleeping with (which I kind of knew to not be true, but that’s the way he acted sometimes).  Even after we started dating, we wouldn’t spend the night together.  He would say it was my issue (fear of intimacy, I guess).  But then I rearranged my schedule to make it easier for him to spend the night at my place sometimes (long story) and he still didn’t.

Things came to a head on New Year’s Eve.  He asked me weeks in advance if I’d like to go to a party with him.  A friend of his was throwing a big bash.  I figured it was a break through.  We’d be out most of the night so surely we’d spend the rest of it together.  And I’d be meeting some of his friends.  So that was something too, I thought.  Well, the spending the night together turned into a strange joke with us exchanging sophmoric emails about it in advance. And then at the party one of his friends asked me, “Are you ___’s girlfriend?” and I honestly didn’t know what to say because he’d been ignoring me for the hour prior.  I replied, “you should probably ask him”.  His friend looked at me as if I had 2 heads.

The relationship limped along for a couple of more weeks.  I wanted to make it work.  The sex was good and we had fun together.  But there was just something essentially defective about the way we communicated with one another.  I would guess that if we met another way that we might have had a chance at a more functional relationship.  But then who knows?  If we met another way we might not have even made it past the first date.


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9 to “Happy Happy”


  1. Teifion says:

    On one hand I could say that this shows that you need communication in a relationship but I think it’s more than just that. I think that a relationship needs to be about something more than sex or physical attraction. Without meaning to be offensive, in 20 years you will not look as you do now and if a relationship were founded on physical appearance then it would fall apart unless it grew into something more (which it might not of).

    I am aware that you were clearly not looking for more than sex but in the end it came to nothing, because you were not looking for more from the start. Of course, I am a “dateless wonder” so do take my advice with a pinch of salt.

  2. derek7272 says:

    just out of curiosity, how many replies did you get from your ad? were you swamped?

  3. SINgleGIRL says:

    -derek7272
    Yeah, I was pretty swamped. But most of the replies were the kind I’d delete on site: too young, too old, too ugly. Then it was a matter of reading the rest of them and weeding through, trying to see who seemed hot and interested in a NSA w/o being completely sleazy (yeah, I know how that sounds).
    -Teifion
    I’m not suggesting that everyone run out and have a NSA attached relationship. It was what I wanted at that time. I am suggesting that it’s hard to transition from casual sex to caring about one another. Or at least, that was my experience.

  4. bobbyjensen says:

    not sure what an NSA relationship is…excuse my ignorance here, I have a lot to learn :)

  5. SINgleGIRL says:

    -bobbyjensen,
    Oh my! NSA = No Strings Attached meaning no one’s going to get emotionally involved. You’re not ignorant, but maybe I’m a bit too, um wordly.

  6. bobbyjensen says:

    hahaha you’re not too wordly, I just don’t keep up with all the PUA’s and LTR’s etc. But, I am making a point of learning my abreviations :)

  7. cjw666 says:

    What you want at a given point in your life is what you want – period! The same, of course, applies to your partner(s). The trouble comes when two people meet who would be perfect fro each other but are on “cycles” that don’t coincide – like you want NSA and he doesn’t and by the time you’ve changed your mind he’s moved on and doesn’t want involvement.

    I suppose flexibility could be the key – both in bed and out ;)

  8. 20forty says:

    Exactly why I stay away from NSA relationships and FWBs. It never seems to work the way it’s supposed to…at least not for me. I know there are a lot of people who think they’re great, but they just don’t work for me.

    lisaq

  9. bobbyjensen says:

    Never had a NSA relationship, so can’t comment on it that well. And of course, now I have to figure what FWB means :O

    sigh…