I’ve spent much of the last 48 hours ruminating on my situation with Mr. Potential. I know I said that I was just going to be patient about it, but there was this thing, this stupid thing that’s been nagging at me.
New Year’s Eve is less than two weeks away. Mr. Potential is supposed to be returning from his trip on the 30th (he mentioned his flight plans the day he made them and I’ve had it on my mind since). So there was no reason that I could think of for him to not have asked me to do something with him that night. I even brought up New Years the other night, but he didn’t take the hint.
And so I was kind of stewing. I’ve been the one to initiate our last couple of dates. That makes me feel like I am choosing him and he is just, you know, going along with it. Now, that’s not the way he treats me. And he’s been busy with work and preoccupied with other things and so there are perfectly good reasons why he hasn’t been taking the lead (not that that makes me feel better).
I should also say that New Year’s Eve is a date on the calendar that I look on with dread. My last LTR officially ended last New Year’s Eve. It was dying a slow and painful death for weeks before that, but that was the day that things came to a dead stop. And on New Year’s Eve the year before last I realized that my then relationship was on much shakier/weirder ground than I’d realized. We split up a few weeks later. So the fact that I have a guy in my life who I’d like to spend that night with is a big(gish) deal and fraught with anxiety.
So, I decided that the easiest and quickest way to resolve it was to tell him that I’d like to kiss him on New Year’s Eve. That’s exactly what I said. And that if he had other plans I’d understand. Then things got really confusing. Because he got happy and enthusiastic, at first, saying he’d been thinking a lot about it and had been meaning to mention it and maybe we could go upstate to a B&B since we’ve both mentioned we hate New Year’s Eve parties in the city. And then, he immediately followed that with saying that he was also thinking he might change his flight plans to have more time to hang out with some old friends and so might not be back for New Years.
So I told him it was OK that he didn’t know. I was OK making tentative plans without him. We talked a little about what we might do if he were in town (update B&B is out, I need to be in town that day) and left it that he would tell me as soon as he knew. But there was this unsettled air about the conversation. Like he was nervous to even be having it. Maybe he assumed I’d be mad. Maybe he’s thinking I am mad and just hiding it. I’m not. I’m not attracted to his lack of decisiveness, but I’m not mad.
Maybe it’s better if he stays away a few days longer and we don’t see each other that night. We can do something special, get out of the city maybe, the next weekend. Maybe the holidays coming so early in our relationship just put extra stress on him while he’s still trying to figure stuff out. Whatever. I’m going to try to go back to being patient now.
Tags: Dating update