Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

OK for Now

Yesterday, after my nap, I found myself back at my computer.  I wish I didn’t feel the need to do it, but I had to check Mr. Potential’s online dating profile.  I wasn’t expecting it to have magically disappeared, although that would have made me extremely happy.  I was just hoping that he hadn’t look at it in a day or two. Unfortunately, the site confirmed that his last log in was “today”.

I’ll admit, I was hurt.  Here was a man who wanted to introduce me to his closest friends, who’d bought me a christmas , who was talking about things he wanted “us” to do in the future and he was keeping a very active online dating profile.  And my hurt was compounded when I (I’ll admit, this has become an obsession of mine.  This is an issue that is near and dear to my heart as it was a major contributing factor to a break up of one of my previous relationships.) checked back earlier this afternoon and he was “online now”.

I sat here and thought hard about him and everything I know about him and his character and what kind of guy I truly believe him to be.  After all, he really could just be a great player.  The kind of guy who realizes when he needs to put up a little bit more effort and so he puts in a little but more effort.  I’ve seen it before.  The guy who shows up with gifts when he knows he been out cheating and is about to get caught.  The one who suggests an intimate weekend away because he’s been treating you like crap and he knows he needs to do something to make it right.

The more I thought about it the more convinced I became that Mr. Potential isn’t one of those guys.  I think.  I still might end up feeling betrayed in the end, but he just seems genuine.

Also, I realized that I need to accept the fact that I could know more about his motivation if I’d done a better job of asking him about his past.  As I’ve written about before, I have a really hard time asking about a person’s past.  I know a tiny bit about his ex-wife and how they met.  But not much.  I don’t know how long they were together before they got serious/exclusive and how, exactly, things went wrong.  For all I know he’s petrified of rushing into any new LTR and making another big mistake.

What I do know is that I genuinely like the guy and he seems to genuinely like me.  He leaves for the holidays in couple of days and we have no plans to see each other before he goes (he is insanely busy with work).  I can be OK with waiting until he gets back to see what happens.  If he chooses to check in with the online dating site every day, then I’m just going to have to shrug it off.  It pisses me off, but it’s not the end of the world.

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9 to “OK for Now”

  1. recklessstudio says:

    Shrugging it off is the best you can do. You’re in a good position. There’s a lot worse that could be going on for you to stress over. I’d be content with the fact that it’s this and not something more serious.

    I don’t know anything about online dating (still deciding if I should get into it), but I figure when you’re on there a lot it becomes habitual like anything else and sometimes it’s hard to stop.

    (Not that I am advocating what he’s doing but just introducing a different perspective)

    Clearly, you’ve now acquired the habit of checking to see if he’s on so what could be the difference. Even if you notice that it says his last login was “yesterday” or something like that, what will stop you from checking again? You know what I mean?

  2. Hypatia says:

    I know exactly how you feel. I don’t blame you for being upset– I would be. I wonder if guys don’t view it somewhat like window shopping though. You know you have no intention of buying anything, but you’re bored and you’re just curious as to what’s out there so you go browsing.

  3. SINgleGIRL says:

    I hope it is window shopping. The thing is, he could window shop with his profile hidden. Instead he still had his profile active (with the premium package). Maybe he just can’t help himself, from seeing who else might be interested in him? It could be an external validation thing? Who knows. But I am going to view it, for now, as about him. Not me, or us.
    Thinking of it as a habit is as good a way to look at it as any other. I do know that seeing his last login in as “yesterday” and then “2 days ago” would make me very, very happy.

  4. cjw666 says:

    I have no idea if this is true, but the “I don’t know if he’s afraid of getting into another LTR” gives a clue as to one possible reason that would make sense. In such circumstances and if I felt like that, I’d be making the effort to keep everything normal (profile up and actively doing what I’d normally do). The thing is, IF you two have something special, he’ll find himself being more ‘picky” about who he’ll make any serious contact with, if anyone. Even if he actually dates someone else, will it be so different from someone attractive starting working with him? I repeat, IF you two have something special, then no one’s going to measure up compared with you and, however much he doesn’t want it to be so, sooner or later, he’ll have to face that fact.

    If what you have isn’t so special after all, then the sooner he moves on the better, don’t you think?

    I know it must be agonising, but patience really can be a virtue and it’s going to break one way or the other soon.

    Wait and see. or, if you really can’t be that patient, put your profile up again and (even if you don’t do anything about it) see what happens – not least, what he says.

  5. popantipop says:

    How on earth is it possible for you to be dating him for this long and know so little about his past?

  6. bobbyjensen says:

    hmm maybe now is a good time to try asking questions?

  7. SINgleGIRL says:

    Yes. I absolutely think it’s time to try asking questions. I need to get over myself and out of my own way.
    I’ve written previously about my issues with being “nosy” and not wanting to be pushy. I know most people think this is ridiculous. Also, we’ve been taking things very slowly (his choice – I’ve been following his lead). We see each other no more than 2x a week. So in a little less than 2 months we’ve had less than 10 dates. And we never talk on the phone. Really, we haven’t spent all that much time together. I’ve spent more time with some men I’ve only known for a couple of weeks.
    You mention reposting my profile. I’ve been thinking a lot about doing that these last 48 hours. Not to start dating again. Just to report my profile. As a, “what’s good for the goose” statement. But I can’t do it. I think it might be hurtful to him and I don’t want to do anything that might be hurtful to him. While, I admit, I haven’t really developed deep feelings for him yet (I am holding him at arms length from my heart – I cannot bear to let him close until I am sure he wants in) he is a good man and has done nothing to deserve callous treatment.

  8. ajoe says:

    One of the biggest no no’s I’ve seen on dating is giving too much attention too soon. It has been preached to me (reading for dating post divorce) that I have to appear as if I am available but not focused. Exactly what you are describing. It is driving you crazy and you want him to focus on you. Only you. What if he was doing that right now? Would he be driving you away with all of that attention?

  9. SINgleGIRL says:

    I know there is an element of hard truth in this. Although, to be honest, I’ve been in those sick, bizarro world relationships where there was tons of focus and attention from day one and it doesn’t freak me out. I do know it’s unhealthy, though, and usually masks some underlying problem. I don’t want him to focus on “only me”. Just me, a little more. I hope that will come in time.