Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Can Learn, Kinda

Who said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?  Well, I’m not that old and I’m a lot smarter than most dogs, and well, you’ve seen my pics.  Maybe the analogy isn’t a good one.  The point is, I am learning.  For example, earlier today, when I was in a pissy mood about a bunch of things (most of which had nothing to do with Mr. Potential or dating) I started to write him an telling him that while I enjoyed our time together, I felt like things weren’t right between us since I’d told him that I’d hidden my online profile (both true statements) and then went on to include a link to this blog.

I didn’t send it, though.  A couple of years ago I would’ve sent it.  Heck, a year ago I would’ve sent it.  I seem to have this self-destruct mechanism built into me that compels me to force a stand-off with men the second things look iffy in a relationship.

I used to think that that was a good thing.  I’d tell people that I didn’t want to stick around and waste time with men who weren’t suitable partners for me. That life was short and there were plenty of fish in the sea and that there was no point dragging on in relationships that had no chance for a future.  So if I forced a stand-off at two months and hence things ended there instead of us dating for one year and then calling it quits, I was better off.  I’d saved myself ten months.

I can practically hear some of you groaning.  Yes, I admit, this logic was flawed.  Perhaps there were men in my life who I’d “chased away” who could’ve eventually evolved into good partners.  Maybe there were relationships that were iffy in the beginning that would’ve evolved into something more meaningful, more solid.

I don’t doubt that you could be right. Although, I stand by my previously stated assertion that I am happy with the way things worked out with all of my exes.  There’s not a single relationship I’ve had that I can imagine having worked out differently.  Not even if my self-destruct button were turned off and I was able to sit quietly during bad parts and just ride them out (something I am very, very bad at I will wholeheartedly admit).

But back to earlier today.  I didn’t send the email.  I didn’t text him or call him or do anything.  We have plans to get together Friday night.  Plans that we have because I initiated them.  I believe that he is not that into me.  That he has been telling me this through his actions for the past week.  He’s stopped texting (unless I initiate) and continues to check the online dating site daily.  I believe that Friday will probably be our last date.  I don’t want that to be the case, but my plan is to try to talk with him about some of the things I’ve wanted to talk with him about.  If he chooses to be open and positive and respond enthusiastically towards the future of a relationship with me then great.

I feel like the opposite will happen.  I believe that now he is actively dating other women, or trying to.  That he has decided he is not that into me.  And that if I don’t initiate some kind of talk we would get together for pleasant dinner conversation and once or twice a weeks for months while he looks for someone else.  I’ve been in that relationship and it can be great if you don’t have the time or desire to commit to more.  But I do want more and I deserve it.

But instead of forcing a stand-off by sending an ill thought-out email today I am going to go into our date on Friday with a smile on my face and at some point tell him that I’d like to share some thoughts with him.  And then I’ll see how he reacts and hope for the best.  Much better, right?

Oh, btw, I’m keeping up for another day.  I just need her right now.

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8 to “I Can Learn, Kinda”

  1. Teifion says:

    I may not be the best person to comment on this having been single my life so take this with a pinch of salt, and maybe a bit of pepper too.

    While it is instinctive for ladies to communicate with people over problems, guys prefer to solve them. I can’t recall the article link so it might be baloney but it essentially said that guys would become more stressed when talking to people while ladies did not.

    However a good relationship, romantic or otherwise, lives on communication. What good is knowing someone if you never talk to them? As such, my suggestion is for you to compromise, don’t send him a message stating that you need to talk with him or whatnot but neither do I think you should simply let him do as he wills (you don’t know for sure if he is or is not looking for someone else).

    I suggest that you do initiate a setting that you know he will be comfortable in yet will allow at least a casual conversation so you can more accurately judge and determine his thoughts. Once you have more accurate information I think that it will be more obvious as to what you should do.

    Like I said though, I’ve been single my whole life so take it with some seasoning.

  2. derek7272 says:

    You should never communicate ANYTHING important in a relationship by email. Too much gets lost that way. Too much chance for miscommunication. You lose all the emotions and all the warmth you feel for your partner, even if s/he isn’t “the one.”

    Seriously, that should be a rule in all relationships: nothing important gets discussed over email. Do it in person, or over the phone, or don’t do it at all.

    And no, not groaning about what you said. What you wrote makes sense. Why waste time? Two months isn’t enough time to know if someone is right for you long-term, sure, but if they’re not excited enough about you that they’re not willing to give up actively looking over your shoulder for someone else, then move on. Well, assuming a long-term monogamous relationship is what you want. Hell, I’d just be prepared to dump his ass … if he wants you he’ll argue.

    I also don’t understand why deactivating your profile was such a big deal.

  3. WiiAdam says:

    You’ve decided the right course to take. Keep Friday in mind and make your feelings part of the conversation. Don’t worry too much about long-term. Enjoy each others company…(here’s a hint to keep in mind: Its always the “little things” that nudge in the back of your mind, which turn into “big things” in the long-term. Being able too see & feel those “not-quite-right” thoughts (not rejecting them, or denying their importance) can be a good indicator of your tolerance for all manner of behaviors & quirks you may not be able to live with…..

    …but, until you spend time, it’s probably best not to “run away” too quickly.

    How interested is he, really? That’s the Question.
    Don’t be afraid to ask…or, at least, bring the subject into the realm of discussion no
    matter how.

    Relax & have fun.

  4. cjw666 says:

    “I didn’t send it, though. A couple of years ago I would’ve sent it. Heck, a year ago I would’ve sent it. I seem to have this self-destruct mechanism built into me that compels me to force a stand-off with men the second things look iffy in a relationship.”

    Yes, I’d agree with that and no, by no stretch of the imagination could you be referred to as a”dog”. Well done!

    But, all that said, I reckon you’re probably right about Mr. P. However, whatever you do on Friday, please don’t get all stroppy with him. Just like you, he wants what he wants and, somewhere there, he might have discovered that something just isn’t right between you – for him. Don’t blame him for that. Just like you, he might be hoping he’s wrong, but knows in his heart he’s not – or maybe it’s not like that at all. Please contain your impatience and keep an open mind till you talk face to face.

    Just one point (and it’s just a personal thing – if I were Mr. P, so to speak). When a woman quite suddenly (and rather quickly, to my mind) takes the actions you took, it would scare the hell out of me. Why did you tell him you’d hidden your profile? If you wanted to do it, fine. Why didn’t you just let him find out for himself? He might (or might not) have been more interested in an LTR if you’d let things develop a bit more slowly. At the pace you pushed things, my immediate thought would have been, “Whoa! At this rate we’ll be married in three weeks! Couldn’t we get to know each other a bit first and see what’s really there?”

    Maybe it’s a New York thing, or maybe I’m just a bit too old and out of date somewhere along the line, but the old saying, “Marry in haste, regret at leisure” comes immediately to mind – I know you’re not actually talking about marriage, but the example holds good (I think) and I’m sure you can see what I mean.

    One little thing that might help explain what I mean – even though they rarely are (or have ever been) a lot of men do often like to THINK they are the ones doing the chasing – the hunting, if you like. Surely, you (being the clever woman you are) are bright enough to let them live with whatever delusion makes them most happy – it costs you nothing, does it?

  5. 20forty says:

    If I had a dime for every time I wished I could ‘unsend’ an email, I’d be a wealthy woman. It was a good choice. It was also a good choice to write it. Sometimes just writing it helps…you know getting it out and all.

    If things have gotten to the point where he’s only responding and never initiating, I think your gut may be right on. Just don’t completely convince yourself until you hear what he has to say and don’t drive yourself crazy in the meantime. Make some “me” time. Try to relax and take care of you.


  6. SINgleGIRL says:

    Thanks for jumping into the conversation. I agree. Men and women do tend to have different communication styles. My default is to try to remember that everyone (every man, every woman) is different. I will try to approach this conversation with care so as no to rattle him further.
    I don’t disagree with you at all. Unfortunately I’ve been a bit of a twit in the past. As a veteran of some seriously dysfunctional LDR (long distance relationships) and some other relationships that were just seriously dysfunctional I have communicated a long of things via email that should have been said in person. I was wrong to do so and will always regret it.
    Yeah, too bad we can’t magically recall those emails. If only! But it did make me feel a little better to write it. I have a pretty intense day ahead of me but will make sure to follow your advice and set aside some ‘me’ time.
    Perhaps my telling him my profile was hidden signaled to him that the chase was off? I didn’t intend that to be the case and told him it was not. I was clear that it was about my not wanting to continue dating other men while we were sleeping together. That I was monogamous. And that I wanted to continue to get to know him better before we made any commitment. That my hidden profile was not an implied commitment, just a matter of my personal choice. But he might have heard something else. I told him because if he saw it himself he would have been free to assume whatever he pleased (omg – she’s in love with me) and jump to untrue conclusions. Oh well. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them.

  7. cjw666 says:

    Oh, I understand exactly what you’re saying and sure, put like that, it sounds logical. But you said it yourself – “but he might have heard something else”. People do just what you’re doing all the tinme and analyse what’s occurred and been said and put their OWN interpretation on it according to their own reactions, beliefs and experiences – just as you are doing

    However, life is, as you say, all about trying our damndest to learn from the past. I’m not sure that we do, though – or at least I’m not sure that I do. I try, but…

  8. SINgleGIRL says:

    All anyone can do is TRY.