Who said you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Well, I’m not that old and I’m a lot smarter than most dogs, and well, you’ve seen my pics. Maybe the analogy isn’t a good one. The point is, I am learning. For example, earlier today, when I was in a pissy mood about a bunch of things (most of which had nothing to do with Mr. Potential or dating) I started to write him an email telling him that while I enjoyed our time together, I felt like things weren’t right between us since I’d told him that I’d hidden my online profile (both true statements) and then went on to include a link to this blog.
I didn’t send it, though. A couple of years ago I would’ve sent it. Heck, a year ago I would’ve sent it. I seem to have this self-destruct mechanism built into me that compels me to force a stand-off with men the second things look iffy in a relationship.
I used to think that that was a good thing. I’d tell people that I didn’t want to stick around and waste time with men who weren’t suitable partners for me. That life was short and there were plenty of fish in the sea and that there was no point dragging on in relationships that had no chance for a future. So if I forced a stand-off at two months and hence things ended there instead of us dating for one year and then calling it quits, I was better off. I’d saved myself ten months.
I can practically hear some of you groaning. Yes, I admit, this logic was flawed. Perhaps there were men in my life who I’d “chased away” who could’ve eventually evolved into good partners. Maybe there were relationships that were iffy in the beginning that would’ve evolved into something more meaningful, more solid.
I don’t doubt that you could be right. Although, I stand by my previously stated assertion that I am happy with the way things worked out with all of my exes. There’s not a single relationship I’ve had that I can imagine having worked out differently. Not even if my self-destruct button were turned off and I was able to sit quietly during bad parts and just ride them out (something I am very, very bad at I will wholeheartedly admit).
But back to earlier today. I didn’t send the email. I didn’t text him or call him or do anything. We have plans to get together Friday night. Plans that we have because I initiated them. I believe that he is not that into me. That he has been telling me this through his actions for the past week. He’s stopped texting (unless I initiate) and continues to check the online dating site daily. I believe that Friday will probably be our last date. I don’t want that to be the case, but my plan is to try to talk with him about some of the things I’ve wanted to talk with him about. If he chooses to be open and positive and respond enthusiastically towards the future of a relationship with me then great.
I feel like the opposite will happen. I believe that now he is actively dating other women, or trying to. That he has decided he is not that into me. And that if I don’t initiate some kind of talk we would get together for pleasant dinner conversation and sex once or twice a weeks for months while he looks for someone else. I’ve been in that relationship and it can be great if you don’t have the time or desire to commit to more. But I do want more and I deserve it.
But instead of forcing a stand-off by sending an ill thought-out email today I am going to go into our date on Friday with a smile on my face and at some point tell him that I’d like to share some thoughts with him. And then I’ll see how he reacts and hope for the best. Much better, right?
Oh, btw, I’m keeping Nina Simone up for another day. I just need her right now.
Tags: Dating update, email, Nina Simone, sex, song of the day