Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Didn’t Want This Buried or Lost

Yeah, another post.  I write when I’m stressed.

I was just answering your comments (Thank you to those who commented – you know how happy it makes me!!.  Comments have been low and so I’m guessing you’re just not liking the recent posts?).  Anyway, I was answering a comment and I wrote something that I thought was important.  It’s not something new, per se.  I’ve hinted at it before and I’ve said it out loud in conversations with friends.

I am so freaked out right now because things are moving at a slow, mature, appropriate pace with Mr. Potential. Let me be clear, here.  I’m not stressed because I want us to be in a serious, committed relatioship already.  I think he’s great guy, but I’m still not sure I want to be dating him in 2009.  There are so many unknowns.  So many.  And that’s what’s freaking me out.  The fact that there are all of these unknowns causing me to not know how much I want to invest, emotionally, in this relationship.

Mr. Potential is also unsure about things.  He’s said as much.  That’s why he’s keeping his online profile active.

He and I are really different in this regard.  I want to dive in and unpack all of our and see how he reacts to my stuff and see if I can deal with his stuff.  He seems to want to drag his feet and keep things to himself.  He wants to have fun.  I want to have fun, too, but I want to make sure that I don’t waste a lot of time with some guy who’s entirely unsuitable for me. Been there, done that.

But conventional wisdom tells me not to push things, to not crowd him, to not scare him off.  And so I am trying to let him set the pace.  If he wants to plan activities that pretty much preclude us having real conversations, then so be it.

Are things clearer now?  Am I allowed to be stressed out?  Can people please stop telling me that it sounds like everything is going well?

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10 to “I Didn’t Want This Buried or Lost”

  1. popantipop says:

    So what is the difference in this guy who you are not sure you want to spend 2009 with and the guy who you thought was the one you dated last year? Is it the slow pace that is the problem? If not that, what is holding you back from Mr. Potential?

  2. iamIcarus says:

    Sounds like he’s in it for the physical aspect & isn’t interested in an LTR. Obviously I can’t tell for sure from way over here, but it sounds like it.

    Maybe you should ask him casually at some point what he’s looking for. It’s not easy, but if he makes it clear that he actually is looking for an LTR once he gets to know the right person, then maybe it’ll put your mind at rest despite the pacing problems.

  3. 20forty says:

    I’m not sure it’s about him not wanting a LTR…at least not yet. It hasn’t been that long and he may just be one of those people who is a little more guarded about things. If, after some time goes by, you’re still feeling like he’s holding back, then it may be a different story.

    This early on, I don’t think there’s nothing wrong wth just having fun.

    Also, try not to look at it as potential time wasted. You take away something from every relationship no matter how short or how long. It may be something that will help you in relationships in the future.


    P.S. I wouldn’t worry about the low comments. It happens that way sometimes. Kira still gets all freaked out sure people don’t like her posts. I just shrug it off and try not to take it personally. Sometimes people just don’t feel like they have anything to add.

  4. cjw666 says:

    Forgive me if it’s not what you want to hear, although I’m pretty sure you’ll all think I’m wrong anyway. However, it seems to me you’re doing the typical female thing. You often sound as if the only thing you’re looking for is an LTR – passionately and fixedly.

    To me (and I suspect to Mr. P) that’s not what dating is all about – it’s about meeting people and having fun. If you’re LUCKY, you might just meet someone you will get really serious about. If you’re INCREDIBLY lucky, that someone will feel the same about you.

    But all this is going to take time. It might take you a few minutes or hours to decide you want to fuck some guy. It might take you a few days or weeks to decide you want to spend serious time with each other. But an LTR? To me, that’s an entirely different ball game.

    It’s one thing knowing each other’s baggage, foibles etc., but it’s something else entirely finding out if all that’s mostly endearing rather than a pain in the ass to you and you might want to live with it – that REALLY takes time and time is something you don’t seem to want to give it.

    As a female friend of mine would (I think) say, “To me, you’re pushing it, girl! Back off, or you might just regret that, at some point.”

  5. SINgleGIRL says:

    Setting aside the “difference” between Mr. Potential and any other man I’ve had relationships with, as every relationship is different, the slow pace is the big issue. The pace and what that represents and what is causes. It represents, to me, the fact that he is still pondering how much he is into me and whether he wants to commit to this relationship. And it causes me to not be completely open with him about who I am and what I want from a guy.
    I think there is some truth to what you say. We both started from the, “I am looking from a LTR place”. I am completely upfront about that. My online profile says it 2x. But I think he will continue to date me even though he has decided he’s not interested in a LTR WITH ME because he wants to continue getting laid. I will need to nip things in the bud.
    Thanks for your positivity and encouragement, as always. You’re right, of course. It’s not time wasted. I’m just frustrated and mad because I never seem to “fit” with the good guys. It’s like, deep down, we don’t belong together.
    I hear you. I do. And yes, I am exclusively looking for a LTR. I make no secrets or apologies for that. None. Dating, for me, is a means to and ends. There are many people who have different feelings and philosophies about it. It did the dating for kicks things for years and it was fun and now I’m over it. It’s not fun anymore. As to the baggage… There are things that I call baggage that are not so much foibles but “grown up stuff” about sex, relationships, family, identity that I don’t feel comfortable talking about on this blog. I have tried in several posts to get there but I just can’t see to do it. There is a wall between where “I” (the person writing this blog) ends and SINgleGIRL begins. I wish I could articulate it better. I do. For now, all I can say is that there are some things that SINgleGIRL can’t share about her live but that she needs to share with any potential serious BF. If he is the real deal, a serious contender, he will not find these things annoying or endearing. He will just see them as facets of SINgleGIRL’s personality and they will be able to live in peace without SINgle GIRL freaking out all of the time about not being able to just be herself.

  6. Seth Simonds says:

    I think you are completely in the right to be concerned and stressed about your current situation with Mr. P. One of the primary reasons people end relationships is the feeling that each individual is at a different point in life than the other. This drawn-out, slow pace of relationship doesn’t have to be such a bad thing though. Sure, it can make lies hurt more because of lost time but it can also create the sense of security needed to share real concerns. Don’t hold back too much, okay? If you can’t share what you need to and get some satisfaction in the next couple of weeks, get off the train and move on. There’s no reason to continue a relationship that requires you to be something other than your real, complete self.

    But that’s just me.


  7. recklessstudio says:

    Well, considering I am amongst the people thinking it was going so well, I will say that you have some clear options here.

    You can take over temporarily and give him a little jolt to get him moving the way you want to. It won’t be seen as clouding him or pressing on him. You have some things that you’d like to be tended to and in any relationship, partners should feel free to express any of those concerns, in a welcoming environment.

    You can re-open yourself up to dating again if you are more unsure about him. He seems pretty unsure and a guy like that will tend to take a long time to make up his mind. It will certainly not be a quick transition.

    Or you could just not do anything and see how it goes (And Evan Marc Katz topic).

    You have a much better idea of what you want then he does. Don’t allow him to mess with that because HE is unsure. Continue your life as planned.

  8. derek7272 says:

    Let me get this straight: you’ve slept with him more than a couple of times and he’s still trolling for dates on the Internet? Not. that. into. you. Kick him to the curb! I don’t think people have to be exclusive just because they’re sleeping together, of course, but there’s a difference between being open to meeting other people and actively looking — esp. on the Internet, where it’s hard to find anyone worthwhile…

  9. SINgleGIRL says:

    I agree. I feel like his trolling the online site is telling me loud and clear that he is just not that into me. I was talking with a (heterosexual male) friend about it today and he told me my instincts were right, too. But I have invested this much time and everything Mr. Potential communicates verbally to me is positive and so I have decided to give it until the end of the week.
    I tried the just do nothing approach, I liked that actually liked that article, last week. It didn’t get me anywhere. Well that’s not true. It got me a week further down the road w/o any progress. I still feel anxious and stressed about it. So I will push it the next time we see each other.
    As Seth recommends, I am not planning on holding back anymore. I am just going to come out and tell him at least some of what has been eating at me. And then we’ll see what happens.

  10. cjw666 says:

    Okay, so I think I see where you’re coming from and I certainly can understand the bit about things that SINgleGirl cannot reveal about you as a real person.

    I suspect you’re right about Mr. P, but some people end up in an LTR because that is what they are looking for (like you and yes, you’ve always been perfectly honest about that). Others end up there in spite of resisting that, even though they resist it superficially and those people usually know somewhere inside that this is what their inner self wants, even though it’s not part of their intended life plan.
    Sorry, I’m not sure if that’s all BS or not, but what I’m saying is that some people would keep theri options open for as long as possible and still end up in the LTR they knew they would but didn’t quite have the guts to admit to themselves in the first place – that, at least, would be me, so I do know I’m right there.

    Whether Mr. P is in that category and whether you want to hang around to find out, is of course your personal choice.

    In the end, I think it’s YOUR life and you should do what YOU feel is right for YOU! Some you win, some you lose, but don’t put up with something that’s not what you want – life’s too short to waste it on dead ends.