Yesterday, after I got home from spending the night with Mr. Potential (followed by a long, cozy morning in bed and then a wonderful brunch) I spent some time on the phone, catching up with a good friend.
At the end of the call, after my friend and I had gone over all of the important details of each of our lives, I said the following, “I know I’m going to sound like a drama queen, but I’m going to say this anyway. ‘I’d just be so much happier right now with the way things were going with ___ [Mr. Potential] if something in my life were easy, simple and good.’”
My friend got it. Easy, simple and good. Sometimes work is like that – everything falling into place, just kind of on autopilot. You work, you like your work, you pay your bills.
Sometimes things are like that with family and friends. Everyone is getting along with everyone else. No one is particularly sick or needy.
And sometimes relationships are like that. You meet someone and it’s like you’ve known each other forever, pretty much right away. It’s like that other person fits you like a glove. Sure, those easy, simple and good relationships can be pretty goddamn deceptive in the long run. Someone who seems ‘just right’ right away can turn into a huge mistake for the long haul.
But, I don’t really have anything in my life that’s easy, simple and good right now. I have a lot to be thankful for, but the good things in my life all come at a pretty great cost. 2008 has been a rough year for me and 2007 wasn’t any easier. I’m not whining, I’m just stating a fact. I’ve had a lot of stress and heartache this year and I think I’ve dealt with it pretty damn well, for the most part.
And now I’ve met this guy, after dozens of dates (in 2008 alone, we’re not counting lifetime dates). And he has a lot of the qualities I look for in a man and so we’ve been dating for about 5-6 weeks (a little recap for my newer readers – you can also use the handy search box in the top right corner and put in ‘Mr. Potential’ if you want to read all of the posts where I mention him). Considering the year I’ve had, it’s nice to have him in my life. And he really is “MR. POTENTIAL” in terms of a LTR.
But yesterday, sleep deprived and sitting in my messy apt I had to admit that I would’ve traded the possibility of a wonderful future LTR with Mr. Potential for a couple of hours of easy, simple and good. Maybe even just one hour. It’s horrible and immature and stupid. I know.
Things with Mr. Potential continue to proceed at a mature, appropriate pace. We get along well. I am learning a little bit more about him each time we see each other. There are still, so many unknowns and so many things he doesn’t know about me. I don’t think he realizes how many things he doesn’t know about me. And so there are little pieces of me that I find myself having to hide from him. And that is not easy. Or simple or good. But it seems to be what’s best if we are to have a potential LTR.
That’s where all of my anxiety is coming from. Not some fear that he’s going to meet someone else (as he has an active online profile). But rather because things are going so slowly between us, it’s taking us a long time to unpack our respective baggage, And until we each do that unpacking, well, I can’t really be my true self around him.
Can you hear me sighing?
Tags: Baggage, brunch, Dating update, good, LTR