Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

So We Talked About It

I was driving myself crazy.  I wanted to see Mr. Potential yesterday because there were those 2 big topics lingering in my mind (his suggestion that we spend the holidays together and my hiding my online profile).  And the longer I thought about them the bigger they were going to seem.  I don’t like to let stuff fester.  I’ve learned from experience that anything can seem like a big deal if I think about it long enough and any potential issue in a relationship can probably be surmounted if I just talk about it with the other person with a minimal amount of drama.

However, I’d been feeling (chronic, non-contagious issue) all weekend and the plans we’d made required far more energy than I had. So I called him and said, “let’s modify the plans”.  He was cool with that.  I tried resting for a while and realized that I wasn’t feeling well enough even for our modified plans, and more than that, I was feeling like it wasn’t appropriate for me to see him in my highly vulnerable state.  I wasn’t looking my best or feeling particularly with it and I was afraid that we just didn’t know each other well enough for him to see me like that. So then I called him and cancelled altogether.  I said that as much as I wanted to see him, I was just a mess.  And he was as sweet as could be (I didn’t expect any less).

But then I started to think about the fact that it might be days before we got a chance to talk in person.  And I don’t like to talk about serious things on the phone.  The thought of having to wait days to talk with him about my hidden online profile and what that did and didn’t mean started to freak me out.  It was a crappy afternoon.

Eventually I called him back and asked him if he’d want to come over for a quiet evening of take out and and hot .

He arrived with the prettiest flowers I’ve ever seen.  I’m not into flowers, but these are just unbelievably gorgeous.  And he insisted that I looked beautiful, even though I looked like shit.  Which earned him more points than the flowers.

As it turned out, I didn’t bring up his suggestion about the holidays.  Shortly after he arrived I asked him about his day and as he was telling me about it he mentioned that he had finally booked his fight to see his family.  So I figured it was a moot point and let it go.

As for my hidden profile, later on in the evening, at an appropriate place in the conversation, I brought it up. I was very direct about it.  I said that I realized that the common perception was that guys didn’t want to talk about this stuff, but that my preference was to just say what was going on.  And then I pointed out that I hid my profile several days earlier and that, for all I knew, he might already be aware of it.  And that if he didn’t know by then, he’d notice eventually and I didn’t want him to freak out when he noticed.  I told him that it was my choice, my preference, to hide my profile when I started sleeping with someone regularly.  That while I am a sexually very open, I don’t actually sleep around.  And since we are now sleeping together (spending the whole night together) it is my choice to not have an active profile and to go on dates with other people but that I do not expect him to reciprocate.  It is about me and what makes me happy.  I just can’t go on a first date, at this point in my life, and pretend to be interested in some new guy, meanwhile hoping that another relationship that I’ve already started works out.

Mr. Potential was amazing.  He said he was happy I brought it up and I believe he meant it (of course he was also looking forward to sex sometime in the next 30 min or so and that’s a great motivator).  He was direct and said that he didn’t feel ready to hide his profile but that he wasn’t seeing anyone else.  And that he’d expect that we’d both know shortly, whether there was long-term potential in our relationship and that he just didn’t want to rush into anything.  I don’t think that was the standard cop out of a but rather the thoughtful statement of someone who wants to be sure. But who the fuck knows.

As for me, I still have a couple of things that I need to find out about him before I can even say whether I’d commit to a .  I’m enjoying the getting to know him process and so far, so good.

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3 to “So We Talked About It”

  1. TheDatingDr says:

    I’m proud of you! All that direct, open, honesty! Yea!! You’re in!

    I also think it’s a great sign that 1) he brought flowers, 2) he said you look beautiful 3) he was at least honest about where he was at and 4) he at least, sort of, gave you a time frame for when he might know!

    Seems like a good guy to me so far!

    But most important- I just love that you took full responsibility for your actions and you clearly communicated that! That’s what I call Transparent Dating.

    It was about you- what makes you happy, not him. He’s got to respect that- or he’s a fool!

    ps- I can’t help but wonder if he would NOT have bought the ticket home if you had said something sooner! Just curious. Something you all can giggle about 6 months from now, if there is a 6 months from now! :)

  2. recklessstudio says:

    This is amazing. Your honesty and transparency is something special and I hope he realizes that. You did a very good thing here by not waiting and putting yourself out there. He did a good job reciprocating that, which was key for you because you now have some idea as to where he stands.

    The power of communication is unbelievable sometimes.

    I’m glad it all worked out and am excited to see how this progresses. In the meantime, live it up and soak in the experience.

  3. Jill Summit says:

    Glad you stuck to your guns SINgleGIR!. I am happy to hear that you are taking care of yourself by communicating your wants/needs to your partner.

    I wish you the best :-) Happy New Year… Hope 2009 brings LOVE… and LOTS of it!