Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Something Else I Need to Learn

I hate people. HATE them. I hate it when people butt their noses into my business. I hate it when family members invite themselves into my personal life and ask me about things that I feel they have no right to know. I hate it when co-workers ask me about my family and upbringing, as if that were a topic that was on the table.

I no longer consider myself a private person. That went out the door when I launched this blog (Though I still struggle pretty regularly with my self-imposed boundaries – what is and isn’t off limits – some days it’s hard to tell). But I do like to be in control of the information I dispense about my life and I don’t like it when people come poking around asking for things.

That’s just my nature. A part of who I am.

This carries over to the way I interact with the people in my life. I do not like to poke and pry into other people’s lives. I am completely comfortable with waiting to learn information about someone over time.

This has been a major issue in some of my relationships. It drives one of my friends crazy. When I am dating someone new, and let’s say I mention he is divorced, she’ll immediately ask, “How long was he married? Why did they split up? How long ago was the ?” And in many cases I won’t know the answers. It’s not for lack of curiosity. I want to know. But I am waiting for him to tell me because I don’t want to pry.

It seems ridiculous even as I’m typing it, but it’s true. I leave the amount and quality of info I have about a person completely up to them. This frequently leaves me with an information deficit and well, see my last post where I have links to some of the less pleasant effects.

I know this is something I need to change about myself, a skill I need to learn. I’d like to start immediately.

Mr. Potential is divorced. I know this because he said so on his online profile but also because he has mentioned his ex a few times. Not so much as to make me feel it’s an issue, but a few times. I have never once used it as an excuse to ask about their marriage. I know I wouldn’t be comfortable saying, “what happened, why didn’t it work” or something super-intrusive like that. But I would like to know how long they were together, how long ago they split and if he’s been in any major relationships since then. I think that info would be helpful to me. I just have to get over myself and ask.

In person, of course. The next time we see each other. Whenever that it. That’s a whole other issue.

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4 to “Something Else I Need to Learn”

  1. lisaq says:

    I’m not so sure it’s necessary a bad thing as long as it’s not about keeping information from each other. I mean God knows the other extreme is worse. One guy I had a first (and last) date with spilled the whole sordid tale of how his ex-wife cheated on him and took all his money within 10 minutes of saying hello. Gotta find that ‘right’ place in the middle.

  2. Infinity says:

    I think it’s okay to ask a few questions. I was out on a date last night, and she asked me why I wasn’t in a relationship with anyone. I thought it was an interesting question to ask.

    I like to keep somethings personal but then there are some things I believe my dates should know as long as they ask. I am not going to just rant about things in the past.

    But in the end, we are all obligated to get a sense of where people are coming from in order to get a better understanding of who they are now.

  3. SINgleGIRL says:

    That sounds horrible. I’ve never experienced that, though I did date someone who would complain terribly about his gold digging ex after we were dating for a while. My problem is the guys who keep their secrets.

  4. bobbyboy says:

    I think conversation about these topics are perfectly fine if both parties feel comfortable discussing it.

    You know your own boundaries SG as well as what you need to alter about yourself a bit. That’s the meat here and you’re on the right course :)