Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I Know My Faults

One of the good things about getting older, I’m finding, is that I’m learning more about myself. Sitting here at 38 I can honestly say I have a pretty good idea of what my strengths and weaknesses are, and what I need to on. That goes for all kinds of things:  dating, , family stuff.

If you had asked me a few years ago why my romantic past was the way it was, I would’ve told you some serious tales of woe and probably blamed it all of the men in my life.  I know better now (as I’ve discussed in past posts).
So what brings me to rehash this this afternoon?  This is the lead up to my response to some of the comments made recently regarding “emasculated” or weak men.  I apologize for not providing links to the specific comments, but I am in a bit of a rush right now and want to get this done today.  
I do not believe that the Freelancer is weak or emasculated because he’s so inept when it comes to dating and making the first move.  Nor did I think that was the issue with necking guy.
There are lots of types of people in the world.  Very rarely can people be easily put into groups of A or B (strong or weak).  I believe that, more often, we all exist along continuums.   
OK, that’s my disclaimer. And I mean it.  Wholly and completely.  
I’ve said before that I pretty much dated the same person (in different form) over and over and had the same bad relationship over and over.  That person, that personality, was the overtly strong, says what he wants, confident guy. The one who always makes a plan and always makes a move and pretty much always gets what he wants.
And, in my experience, he pretty much always turned out to be a selfish, spoiled asshole who would walk all over my feelings.  I don’t want to date him anymore.  Really I don’t. Really. Why doesn’t anyone believe me? Oh, I know. Because I still have major issues with his alter ego, Mr. Nice Guy, who fumbles over plans and is afraid to take my hand or kiss me or ask to be invited up.  
I want to like the nice guys.  And I do like them.  But as potential romantic partners they kind of piss me off. It gets on my nerves that they don’t take control of every situation.  I get impatient waiting for them to make decisions. This is one of my faults.  I have identified it as such.  
The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Well, I was essentially doing the same guy over and over and expecting different results.  I want different results and so I need to start with someone who is different from day 1.  
It ain’t easy to unlearn stuff as deeply ingrained as what turns you on and off. But I’m trying. Today I sent The Freelancer an email asking him a specific question about his weekend so far (related to plans he had). If he needs me to guide him, I’ll do what I can.  And then, we’ll see.

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10 to “I Know My Faults”

  1. Infinity says:

    I understand what you mean. There is a give and take to each side of the spectrum and there is that “rarity” that is the best of both worlds.

    But I admire your efforts to try and see what eventually will work for you. You’re not the only one that wants to make you happy and it’s good to see that you now know that.

    The Freelancer seems like an ok guy that just needs to step his game up and take some risks.

    Although, when I started dating, I was very shy and then as soon as my first girlfriend opened me up, I responded to her quite nicely from that point forward and “took control.”

    Use that term loosely because it was a give-and-take kind of relationship that was great for me at the time.

  2. says:

    Hey SingleGirl,
    Sorry if my comments have been offending you. I totally understand where you’re coming from, I think that a lot of women have the same kind of feeling about the nice guy/bad boy spectrum.

    Here’s the thing though: as a woman, your brain is hardwired to be attracted to that overtly strong guy who knows what he wants and takes it. Believe it or not, it’s actually evolutionary biology. Geoffrey Miller wrote a book called “The Mating Mind” that you might want to check out, although it’s a little dense with statistics and scientific jargon.

    So I guess what I’m saying is that you want to find that super confident guy who is assertive and knows when to make a move without all whole being an asshole thing that sometimes goes with it. Going to the other end of the spectrum only leads to you being unfulfilled emotionally even though you feel like logically you should like a particular guy.

  3. cjw666 says:

    Sorry to say, but hammer86 is pretty much right. It has been shown in study after study that a woman wants one kind of guy as a long term partner (husband?) – steady, reliable, considerate, good provider and family man etc – and an entirely different sort to fuck her. I guess women and men are not so different after all 😉

  4. VistaDevil says:

    Ah… I see the seeds of the ever going argument of what we need versus what we want.

    Yet, it may be that what we need is not what we want, and sometimes both issues are in conflicting terms… Just to put an example: I like my partners to go out and have some fun, but I also like them to be happy at home (see the contradition here?). But a woman that likes to go partying and also likes more sedate activities at home would be quite rare, even if she existed.

    I wonder if dating wouldn’t be the art of finding the “perfect middle”, where attitudes or traits that we need and want meet in one person…

    Perhaps if the guy don’t ask you, you should invite him to come up anyway; but hey, I’m a guy so I probably don’t have the foggiest idea of what I am tlaking about.

    But from one dater to another. I’m sending you my best wishes.

  5. lisaq says:

    I’ve learned more about myself in past year and a half than in the previous 40. I have recognized why I recycled b/fs, what led me to attract them, and why I was attracted to them. It’s a journey. One I’m still taking. You’re right. It’s hard to unlearn things you’ve been doing for years and God knows it ain’t easy, but it’s a process I have embraced and wouldn’t change for the world. Once I find that elusive Mr. Right-For-Me, it will have all been worth it. Even without him, I’m a happier person for facing my demons down.

  6. bobbyboy says:

    As you know, I have blogged about niceguy/bad boys and some of the mis-conceptions I believe are out there. That being said, the important thing here is that you are growing in knowledge and experience. There’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want.

    I think the approach of time and communication is a good one. If you talk about what may be frustrating to you about this guy with him, either he will make some changes, or he wont. Then you’ll know the outcome for yourself.

    Have faith :)

    p.s. my blog is down as I can’t get the new domain name dns to show, but working on it.

  7. SINgleGIRL says:

    -Wow, what great comments so far. Thank you everyone and Hammer I am not, in the slightest bit, offended. I am going to stay out of this fray a little longer because I am working on a linked post and a guest post and another project (geez, I really should be doing that other stuff, now). Expect a follow up post from me on this topic in a day or two.

  8. Miss Heather Leigh says:

    As much as I don’t want to get older (I wouldn’t mind staying 25 forever), I know that with wisdom comes with age.

    It’s nice to see that at some point, all this confusion about who you are,what you are, how you feel and how you control yourself eventually evens itself all out.

    Glad to see an example that you can learn from your past “you,” and eventually your view on people (and yourself) gets better and more “fine-tuned” as you get older. Great post.

  9. Anonymous says:

    You know,…there are plenty of "nice" guys who take control & speak their mind…

    (I just thought I'd throw my two-cents in.)

    ~x~Will :) ..nice!

  10. sinfullyanon says:

    That Will!
    He’s so dirty!!