There are people who meet online and spend a lot of time getting to know each other, via email, online chats and phone conversations and then because they’ve decided that they like each other one of them will travel a long distance to meet the other. Then if they like each other they have a long distance relationship. I realize that this might actually be the norm for people who live in small towns or smaller cities. There just aren’t that many local people on the dating scene and so they use online dating as a way to widen their prospective dating field.
I live in New York City. I don’t believe that NY suffers from a lack of available men, though sometimes I question the quality of who’s currently on the market.
So when I get a message from some guy who likes my online dating profile and is interested in getting to know me but he lives someplace else, someplace that isn’t commuting distance to NYC, I send him a polite “thanks but I am only interested in local guys” reply. It’s not that I think the only men worth having are in NY. If anything I frequently question the sanity of my approach. I bet there are a lot of great guys who live in other places. But I’m here and I like to actually meet men and date them and make eye contact and physical contact and all of that good stuff.
About a year ago I received a message from a man who’s profile listed him as living in LA. He sent me a very complimentary message and said he was interested in getting to know me. I gave his profile a quick read and while I was intrigued I sent him my standard local guys only reply. He immediately wrote back saying that he’d lived in NY for many years and was going to be moving back in just a couple of months. And that he was going to be coming to the city a few days later for a long business trip. He was hoping we could meet for a drink while he was in town for business.
OK, I admit it. I’m a sucker for the strong, decisive type. I always have my feelers out for when this turns into pushy and bossy. I hate that. But a guy who can be assertive without coming off as a jerk gets points in my book. I agreed to meet him for a drink the night he landed and well, I saw him almost every night of his trip. He pretty much swept me off my feet. It was as if he analyzed my profile and figured out exactly what he needed to say and do every second we were together and apart to win my heart. As if. For all I know, that’s exactly what he did do.
By the time his trip was winding down we were making arrangements for me to come visit him in LA the very next week. And he was talking about spending time together during the holidays which were still months away. It was all must faster than I had any comfort level with but I tried to roll with it because I was honestly happy. Really happy.
Until one day, a day or two after he went home, we were on the phone and I started to listen to him talk about how good it was to be home. And then I started to remember a bunch of little things he said while he was in NY that made me think – whoa – is this guy really planning to move to NY? So I asked him, in the least confrontational way I could, if he was still thinking of moving to NY.
His reply made me sick. He said he was still thinking of it, but he was less certain. But I was a factor in his thinking, then, so he had a lot to think about. The way he said it made me think that if he did move it was more because of me than because of any other reason. Which made no sense.
Anyway, I went out to visit him as planned. That time and a few other times. And with each trip it became more and more obvious that he NEVER planned to move to New York. I guess he was thinking an intense fling would be nice and it didn’t occur to him he’d develop feelings for me. Or something like that. At one point, when things were good between us and I was still convinced that I might actually be in love with him I offered to move to LA. I didn’t want to, but I knew he didn’t want to move to NY and I couldn’t see any other future for us.
Things eventually fell apart. Relationships that are built on lies can’t last. Telling me he was going to be moving back to New York wasn’t the only lie he ever told me. What a surprise.
He was the bad ex-boyfriend who I grew to hate. Maybe one day I’ll be mature enough to write about why. Not now though. Now let’s just say that this ends our little walk down bad memory lane. No more lies. Not for a while.
Tags: bad ex-boyfriend, exes, liar, long-distance-relationship, LTR, nyc