I wasn’t going to write about this because it’s embarrassing. More embarrassing than the stuff I usually write about. But if I didn’t write about it it would’ve been just like lying because this is the biggest thing that’s going on in my sex/dating/relationship world right now. And I don’t lie.
So here goes.
Today would be my anniversary with someone who hurt me a lot. We weren’t together for very long. It as one of those silly – jumped in too fast and then realized how wrong it was relationships. What hurt more than it ending was how it ended and how he behaved in the months that followed. He was a really bad ex-boyfriend. He continued to hurt me over and over, whether he meant to or not.
Anyway, I’ve had this date on my radar for weeks, even though I’ve had so many other big things going on in my life. I wanted to pretend it wouldn’t matter. I wanted to pretend I didn’t even notice. I wasn’t going to mention it to any of my friends or anything.
Those best laid plans…
The last few days have been rough for me. Really rough. I don’t know if I’d be in a better emotional place if I wasn’t sick all weekend and therefore trapped inside (it was nice out and I couldn’t go out and enjoy it) or if things with my big writing project were going better. I don’t know. Maybe if one of the other guys I went out with recently weren’t such a flake I might have weathered it better. But as things were, I’ve been a mess.
And so I realized what I needed to do. I needed to stop hating him. Really stop hating him. When I thought of the anniversary date, I wasn’t remembering the good things from our relationship and wishing for him back. I was churning over all of my anger. All of that anger and hatred were/are taking up space inside of me and I need to be free of them. I’ve said this before. I’ve said that I’m over him. And it’s true, I’m over the good feelings. But now I have to get over the bad feelings.
So I did the craziest thing I could think of doing, the only thing that I thought might be appropriate. I called him and told him I forgave him. I told him I didn’t want to hate him anymore. It felt really, really good.
Anyway, that’s my truth for today. No funny stories. Just me being kind of pathetic.
Tags: bad ex-boyfriend, feelings, sex, truth