Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Online Dating Etiquette

First, a bit of catch up.  I am woefully sick right now.  I’ve been struck down by an early autumn cold.  It’s been going around my office and it’s my turn.  I’m a coughing, sneezing mess.  I had to cancel/reschedule my date with Downtown Guy plus a couple of first dates I was supposed to have this weekend.  And I’m seriously spaced out on OTC cold medicine and so my writing skills are severely compromised.  I’m not going to try to write the lie story I was planning to add to the collection.  I’ll post that when I can think straight.

I appreciate the feedback I got from my last post.  I honestly don’t try to think too much about why men behave the way they do.  I vent about it here, but I don’t stay awake at night wondering about their motives.

Anyway, I raised an issue last time around and I thought it might be helpful to spell out what I think is a really big issue of etiquette.

*If you meet someone and you like each other and start to date but it’s clear to the both of you that you are free to see other people (one or both of you have used the word ‘casual’ to describe the relationship, you’ve said that you’re not looking for anything serious) then there is no need to hide your online dating profile. Most sites have a hide feature which lets you keep/not delete your profile but remove it from active circulation.  If someone was searching for you they would receive a message that you are not active.

*If you meet someone and you start dating and things seem to be getting serious then it might still be OK to not hide your profile, if you’re still not sure where things are going, but you shouldn’t be checking in daily. You should probably hide it, but if it’s not hidden and you haven’t looked at it in 3 weeks then no harm done.

*If you enter into a seriously relationship, if keys are exchange, if the word love is used, if you are talking about a future together – you better not have any active profiles on dating sites. (Unless you have an open relationship, and hey, that’s cool if you’re both cool with it). But if you’re supposed to be monogamous, there is absolutely no excuse for an active profile. This is common sense. This is common decency.  Imagine you were hired for a job and then saw, each day, that your position was still being posted as open. This isn’t one of those cases where you can say, “I didn’t know it would hurt you.” Only a completely self-involved twit wouldn’t know.

And yeah, I’ve dated that self-involved twit. Learn from my mistakes, guys. Spread the word.


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3 to “Online Dating Etiquette”


  1. cjw666 says:

    Oh, absolutely! Until you know that there’s something more with someone, then it’s just for fun and poking around in the pile to see what turns up. But, if you once agree that it’s getting rather more than that, then it’s time to withdraw from the race for a while and see what develops – unles, as you say, you have both agreed otherwise, openly and freely.

    The one problem arises when one half of the equasion starts talking about love and wants it to “get serious” whilst the other still isn’t sure. That is frequently the case, even if you eventually arrive at the same place some time later.

    In such circumstances, you may be as honest as the day is long and say it’s not that way for you – yet! But your prospective would-be significant other often doesn’t want to hear that kind of talk and then one of you is going to get pretty upset. If it’s you that’s not sure, then that would be either he will because you’re still looking, or you will because you feel like you should still be free to keep looking – if you see what I mean. Tough one, eh?

  2. hallelujah says:

    first of all, get well soon!

    and i must say that compared to most of the online dating tips I’ve been reading online your writing skills are immecable!

    i don’t like the sites that take meetings someone romantically so seriously. have you ever seen woome.com? i love that site.

    :)

  3. lisaq says:

    Ugh! Me too girl. I feel completely like crap and can soooo empathize! Hopefully, we both get better soon!

    On topic, I completely agree. And I think cjw666 is right. The problem comes when one of you is ready for that next step and the other isn’t. That’s when it’s time to bust a move one way or the other. If one of you is hesitant, it’s probably time to move on. I think you have to be on the same page.