Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Off Topic

I have more tales of lies and dysfunction for you and will write another one up later today or tomorrow. I hope you are enjoying them. I find the theme cathartic. And hey, I would love it if more of you would share your stories. There’s something about knowing that this stuff happens to everyone, makes it all a little less surreal.

I just can’t hold this in any longer.

Last night I was playing catch up with my account. I clicked on the page to see my latest winks and there on the bottom of the page were the guys who’ve been checking out my profile. Most sites do that now, in case you’re not in the game, they let you see who’s been checking you out. You can click an option that lets you browse discreetly. I do that. I’m not exactly sure why. OK, that was a fib. It’s so I can peek on guys I’m dating and see how often they’re checking the site without them knowing I’m doing it. A sure sign of a bad relationship is a guy who continues to troll the online personals everyday while you’re dating.

Anyway, I was looking at the guys who’ve been looking at my profile and 20% of the guys who were checking me out in the last 24 hrs were guys I’ve already been out with. One of them was necking guy. Then, I clicked back on my mailbox and there was a new message from some guy I went out with a few times in the wintertime. He was SO not over his ex at the time and kind of acted like a jerk. Needless to say he has my real email address, my cell number and my home number. But instead of sending me a real world email or calling me to say, “sorry I was a jerk” he sent me a message to my personals account saying something as bland as “how’s it going?”

What’s the deal? Do these guys just fixate on my picture/profile when they’re sitting around their apts, and lonely and cruising the personals? Seriously, how difficult would it be for one of them to just be honest and send me an email and say, “Hey, I blew it. I know I did. But I still think you’re a pretty cool chick and I’d like another chance to get to know you.”

But no, they’ll continue to sit alone in their apartments and cruise the personals. Stare at my picture and wish they did things differently. And that guy who sent me the “how’s it going?” I honestly don’t know what to do. I kind of thought he was cool. Just really bad timing.

. Urgghh. It’s like herding fucking cats.


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5 to “Off Topic”


  1. cjw666 says:

    Of course, the guys who are checking you out whilst dating you might be likewise looking to see if YOU’RE still looking, but hey, that’s fair.

    The guy who wasn’t over his ex probably still isn’t. He might not realise he was (still is?) a jerk, either. Jerks often don’t.

  2. lisaq says:

    Less risk maybe? If he called you or emailed you at your personal account, he HAVE to admit what a jerk he was. This way he doesn’t. And you’d be surprised at how many women would jump right in and send a reply sadly. He’s probably had success with it before so he figured he’d try it on you.

  3. NYC says:

    cjw666 is right on with the point that if you’re checking on the guys on the dating site, you can only hold it against them so much that they’re on that same dating site. By the same token, those guys you dated before who are looking at you again – you’re also kind of looking at them (whether you click on their pages or not). They may be going through their old messages and getting nostalgic; they may have come across you again while ‘shopping’; they may be blogging about dating and looking at your profile to jog their memories…

    Not necessarily right about the guy not over his ex – ‘probably’ still isn’t? How do you know?

    Lisa is on to something with the less risk thing. But again with the he’s ‘probably’ had success: where are you getting that?

    Permit me to suggest that there may be such a thing as overthinking a lot of this stuff. If you want to give the guy another chance, give him another chance! What does it get you to turn his means of contact over and over in your mind? A little less sleep?

  4. lisaq says:

    @nyc…I say that he’s probably had success with it because, as human beings, we tend to do what has worked for us before. In my experience, these guys are the ones who either met someone else in the interim or decide that, while you may not be what they are looking for in a relationship, you might be good enough for a hook up. So they reach out to see what they can come away with. It’s probably gotten them laid in the past, so why not? We do what we do because it works for us.

  5. Bernadette says:

    I now know why guys “look” at your picture when they have already met you in person….

    They are horny and they are picturing what it would have been like if they had continued pursuing a relationship with you!

    Funny! I had never thought of it that way!