Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

I’ve Never Lied To You

We’d been dating for about 3 weeks and in that time had already seen quite a bit of each other by 30/40 something, busy professional standards. He’d spent the night at my place 3 nights that week and had taken to calling me most mornings as he was on the way to work, to tease me about my morning grumpiness and to see if I’d overslept, again.

Things were going good, until I realized that they weren’t. Three weeks, a handful of nights at my place, practically daily phone calls and I still hadn’t seen his apartment. Everyone knows that a man who doesn’t show you his home has something to hide (or more often, someone). I didn’t want to jump to conclusions because I liked this guy, but the evidence seemed pretty damning.

He called me to talk, just hours after my revelation. I didn’t come right out and accuse him of anything. What I did say was something vague about knowing that something wasn’t right. That I had a sense that he was hiding something from me, and that if I continued to feel that way I was going to get tired of waiting for him to tell me what it was and just walk away. I suck at confrontations.

Anyway, his reply was classic. “I’ve never lied to you. I am divorced. From my first wife.”

I can almost hear you groaning. Just to repeat that – for clarification. He hadn’t lied when he told me he was divorced because he was, from his first wife. Not, however, from the second wife, with whom he still lived.

His story was actually pretty complicated. He and his then wife were going through a pretty messy and custody battle and were ‘legally’ separated at the time. There were legitimate reasons for them to still be living together (even still, there’s a little part of me that believes in him). But his marital status wasn’t his only issue (go figure) and I’ve still never forgiven myself for continuing to see him after that conversation (Yeah, for months. I can be quite a chump.)

The moral of this story kids, if there is one, is to go with your gut. I knew he was lying to me, And I know that relationships based on lies can’t be successful. I just let myself be swayed.

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5 to “I’ve Never Lied To You”

  1. cjw666 says:

    Nah! I’m not going to dig all that up again. But you’re right, we all lie – often for very different reasons. Of course, there are the men (and women) pretty much like the one you describe, but there are others who lie because they’re just too weak to be unkind, or too nice. You said it yourself – you believed the guy because you wanted to, or part of you did. Others lie and tell you what they think you want to hear because they can’t face being truthful. “Do you love me?” – “Of course I do,” – instead of “Not really. I like being around you and screwing you, but I wouldn’t call it love.” How much better it would be if we could all be truthful. But then, could some of us take it?

  2. lisaq says:

    Ugh. I suck at confrontations too. Nice to know I’m not the only one. Don’t be too hard on yourself though. I know I ended up in a similar situation myself at one point. It happens.

  3. Alex Jones says:

    What’s a nice story about true relationships. It seems that there will not be a real man for 38 y.o. girl without skeleton in the cupboard.

  4. Catherine says:

    I just started dating again, but I have to keep reminding myself of this quote from Maya Angelou: “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” For better or for worse, there are signs, and instead of refusing to believe them, we need to see them and accept them. This is who the person is. Take it or leave it. Don’t take it and change it, because you are not going to change it. And then you have to (unfortunately) live with the consequences.

    Thnaks for sharing this story!

  5. Black Iris says:

    Having an affair while you’re in the middle of a messy divorce and custody battle is a good way to make things worse.

    He did lie to you, though. Honesty is about more than not saying untruths. Hiding something can be lying, especially if you know that the other person is thinking your actual words meant something else. People can be unbelievable.

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