Real stories about dating and relationships in New York City. Truth is more interesting than fiction.

Hierarchy

Writing in response to my Circling Back Around entry a few days back, cjwss suggested that I come up with some kind of hierarchy of categories, as right now I am assessing every guy I go out with as an applicant for future life partner status.

So first, some clarification from me.  I absolutely am looking at each date as a potential life partner.  I do not want to waste another night/week/month/year of my life with a guy who might be perfectly nice, might be great in bed, might be funny (add in whatever other positive attributes you like) but in the end is not ever going to turn into a real bf or significant .  I AM OLD.  I REPEAT, I AM OLD.  And I’m tired of sleeping alone.  I know, from experience that I am happier when I have a partner.  I am looking for someone to be a partner for a long haul, maybe not the long haul (not too sure I believe in the whole happily ever after thing) but a good long time.
I am not desperate.  My isn’t driving me nuts.  I do not waste countless hours wishing I had a guy and dreaming about my perfect man and imagining my fantasy wedding.  I know that according to the media that I am supposed to be and do all of those things, but that’s not me.  Not even a little.  I just know what I want, what’s going to make me happiest at this point in my life and I’m willing to put in a little effort towards finding it.  I know most people believe that you can’t look for love, and that might very well be true, but I’m certainly not going to find it sitting alone in my apartment with a good book (which is probably what I’d be doing most of those nights if I wasn’t dating).
I have gone through long stretches of time where my head was in other things (usually work) and I was perfectly happy to have the not-serious bf who I knew was never going to turn into anything.  And as I have written about before, I have had, and still have fuckbuddies for when I am in between relationships.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve always had that hierarchy.  It’s existed in my life for as long as I can remember.  There are the 1s (fuckbuddies) who are good for sex and short conversation and would never get to spend the night, not in a million years.  There are the 2s (guys I’ve dated knowing full well it was never going to turn into anything) who might be fun for dinner, movies or parties, in addition to sex, and heck they can stay the night if they don’t snore too much. Then there are the 3s.  The 1s and the 2s are easy to find, especially in .  Not so with the 3s. The 3s are the guys you take home to your family, who help you fix your broken furniture, who keep you warm on cold nights.
I don’t care how many dates I have to go on to find one, that’s what I want, one of those elusive 3s.  I’ve had my fill of the others for now.  Maybe I’ll change my mind sometime in the future if my current search continues to go poorly.  Who knows? But for now I’m sticking to my guns.  3 or nothing at all.

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2 to “Hierarchy”


  1. cjwss says:

    Brilliant! At least you’ve analysed things over time and know what you’re looking for. I did say I was joking, but I think there is an element of reality in there somewhere. I think what I was trying to say is that I too don’t really believe in the full happy ever after bit – it appears to happen for a few (or does it really?) but I think most of as do what you appear to be doing and look for someone we can really get along with and have at least most of it – for a reasonable length of time at least. If you look only for the perfect fairytale thing, I think you might just spend all your life looking and fail – unhappily. Good luck and don’t ever let anyone try to change you, because most people do try to do that – and we really shouldn’t! :)

    Thanks for the shout, by the way.

  2. lisaq says:

    I'm so with you here! 3s or nuttin' at all for me! I've had enough of 1s & 2s for a good long time.