In my last post I disclosed my need for a guy who takes the lead. (I know, from experience, that if I try to have a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to have that role in our relationship then I’m going to be miserable). I’m still dealing with family stuff and so I’m not in town/dating and I have plenty of time to think. I got to thinking about what other things I need from a man, and what things I merely want.
-I need a man who is essentially kind. Kindness is an underrated value in our society. Everyone is always talking about wanting to meet a “nice guy”. Well screw that. You can keep your nice guys. Nice is just the way someone acts. Kindness is about an inner generosity or caring.
-I need him to be empathetic. Empathy is an odd thing. If you have it you feel it automatically for the people around you. Empathy allows you to share the lives of the people you care about in a rich and profound way. But if you don’t learn it as a child, it’s hard to acquire as an adult. There are lots of people out here in the world who don’t feel empathy. I tried to have a relationship with one of them. It was hard. Painful and hard. I couldn’t do that again.
-I need a guy who likes sex as much as I do
. This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s not. I’ve had relationships that were strained because the guy was happy enough to have sex a couple of times a week. That’s not enough for me (not when I’m IN A RELATIONSHIP).
to have a sense of perspective.
If he loves his work, great. If he hates his work, that’s cool, too. Whatever. If he’s writing a screenplay or the great American novel or a punk opera… I need him to understand that whatever he’s working on is not the most important thing in the world. The world doesn’t revolve around him (nor me) and he needs to have interests and opinions about the world outside his work/passion.
-I need a guy who’s happy, with himself and his life. A miserable guy makes a miserable boyfriend.
-I need a guy who is confident.
I know, that’s not your average list of needs. I’m one odd chick, I guess.
And now for my wants
. Those are ‘easier’:
-I want a guy who likes to have silly fun, sometimes- let’s go for a 5 hour walk because it’s a nice day, or climb a tree, or go kayaking on the Hudson.
-I want a guy who like to have grown-up fun, sometimes – let’s get dressed up and find the best Manhattan in Manhattan or listen to some amazing jazz (I’ve got a closet full of little black dresses, dammit).
-I want a guy who’s got a little bit of geek
or screw-up inside of him. A big lesson learned for me in recent years is that golden boys make lousy partners. You know the types, the ones who’ve always been successful, always gotten everything they wanted. I’d much rather have a guy who struggled a bit in his past, who couldn’t get a date or a job or maybe started a business that failed. A guy who’s learned some humility.