Apologies

Please accept my apologies for the inferior quality of last night’s post. It’s not as well-written or well thought out as it could or should be.

Truth is, I was having a really good night last night and was in a good mood when I started the post. Then I received an email from an ex-boyfriend and it was like a storm cloud of doom blew into my apt. and rained all over me. After that, I wasn’t able to focus on my writing, think straight, or even sleep. I probably should’ve given up on the post, altogether, but I’m too stubborn for that.

It’s not this way with all of my exes. I count one of them as one of my good friends. And there are others I’m on good terms with. But this particular one I’ve asked a few dozen times to stay out of my life, to not call, not write, to just plain leave me the fuck alone.

I thought he’d finally gotten the message, as it’d been over a month since I’d heard from him (it was a nice month) and so when I saw his name in my inbox I flipped out a little.

You see, every time I hear from him I start to feel bad all over again. It’s not about the horrible things he did, or how poorly he behaved. I got over that stuff a long time ago. Each time I hear from him I remember how certain I was that he was the one, that he was a 100% good guy who would never hurt me. And then I remember how wrong I was, how he turned into a bad guy who completely disregarded my feelings. Those memories fill me with anger and self-doubt.

I started dating again right after we split up. I’ve always believed in getting right back on the horse. Less than a week passed between the time I asked him to return my keys and my first date with someone else. But then, after a few dates, I stopped. I realized that I wasn’t able to trust my judgment anymore, wasn’t able to trust men. And because of that I had to take a few months off from dating, completely.

Whether I like it or not, a part of me still gets dragged back to that place of doubt and mistrust every time I hear from him. It’s not a place I like to visit. I used to think that the only cure was for him to apologize to me for all of the harm he did, for misleading me and being mean, etc. And then I realized that it didn’t matter whether or not he ever apologized or understood the hurt he caused. All that matters, really, is that I understand that it was just another mistake. One that I’ve learned from and that I’m not likely to make again. And that dwelling on it was/is keeping me from finding the happiness I deserve.

Anyway. Sorry about the distracted post. I have another date tonight with necking guy. Hopefully I’ll have something fun to write about tomorrow.