I met a good friend for dinner tonight and, as always, we found ourselves talking about my love life, or lack thereof. Actually there’s been a serious lack of love for a while now, lots of dates, no love. She’s half of a couple, so she’s good about listening and sympathizing, but like most of my no-longer-single friends, she can’t really relate.
We discussed my most recent blog post, the one about dealbreakers. And you know what, on second (third, fourth, fifth – whatever) thought I think it’s good that I’m making these distinctions. How else am I supposed to separate the wheat from the chaff? For years I was too willing to wait to get to know someone, to not pass judgment. What did that get me – let’s see- oh, yeah- I’m 38 and still single and so I guess it got me a whole lot of nothing.
So tonight, as I’m pressed for time, I thought I’d take a few minutes to share a few of my other dealbreakers with you. I’d love it if some of you would write to share some of your dealbreakers with me:
I was out with a guy about a month ago and he was walking the line all night, occasionally charming, but then would say something really not cool like complain about some woman he went out with who gained a bunch of weight because of a sports injury (and so therefore he couldn’t like her anymore, because she wasn’t in shape). I was thinking he was a no. Then we walked outside and he walked up to his car – a HUMMER. Yeah, it was bad enough he was shallow. That should have been the dealbreaker, but hey, he’s a guy (and my standards just aren’t that high anymore). But the Hummer – NO.
I cannot stand when men brag about their wealth, position and/power. It doesn’t matter who they are, who they know, or what they own or control. If they say something like, “it’s great to be the boss” or “I love being able to helicopter out to the Hamptons for the weekend” then I am pretty unlikely to want to go out with them.
I don’t need a guy who spends a lot of time on his appearance or who wears fancy clothes. But if we’ve made a date, unless it’s to do something athletic, you can bet I spent some time getting dressed and making sure that I looked nice. I expect my date to make an effort too. If a guy shows up looking like he just rolled out of bed (it’s happened, I swear, in the middle of a Sun afternoon a guy showed up 15 min late looking like he hadn’t even combed his hair) or has rumbled clothes, then I’ll be pissed off. I don’t need an Adonis, but not making an effort to look your best lets me know you’re not going to make an effort at lots of other things.
I realize these are signs of insecurity. Men hide behind their position and their acquisitions when they feel personally inadequate. They don’t bother making an effort to look nice because they think there’s no point to it. I get it. And I now choose to date guys who don’t feel insecure and inadequate. I feel like maybe then I’ll have a better shot of having a functional relationship one of these days.
Tags: dealbreaker, guy