A quick thought for this morning.
Last night’s 2nd date (he was last weekend’s coffee date) was pleasant enough. Nice guy: Sweet, smart, polite, interesting. All the good things. He’s just so wishy-wishy. Maybe he’s intimidated by me? I’ve been told I can be a little intimidating. Anyway, I can’t be attracted to a guy who doesn’t have his own opinions, his own tastes. When someone asks me out on a date, I expect him to make a plan, at least a rough plan. Sure, I like some flexibility and spontaneity. But I find it really unattractive to be asked all night, ‘what do you want to do?, where do you want to go, what do you want to eat?’. Be a man, for christ’s sake, have an opinion. ”I’d like this, how’s that sound?”
Anyway, I doubt there’ll be a third date. I want to like this guy. He’s probably ‘good for me’. But I just don’t see us going anywhere. Maybe as friends. So here’s the question for the morning, and before I’ve even finished my coffee: What’s the most gracious way to deal with the ‘thank you
’ when you don’t want to see the guy again?
I’ve tried all kinds of ways, and have found them all unsatisfying. We eventually went to dinner and he paid. I said thank you last night. But my inner Emily Post tells me I should send a follow up email saying thank you again. It’s seems like the polite thing to do, especially in cases where a lot of money was spent (which was not the case last night, but I have been on dates where men have chosen very expensive venues). However, following the ‘thank you’ would usually be “I had a lovely time.” This implies that I’d like to see him again. And in many cases that is not the case.
I’ve sent a thank you with no follow up, “I had a lovely time”, and they almost always provoke a return email saying what a lovely time the guy had and would I like to get together again, leaving me to say no. Then the thank you is kind of mean – I’m implying it’s safe to ask, that I will say yes to another date when I have no intention of doing so. I could say, within the thank email, that I had a lovely time but I think we’d make better friends than lovers. That always seems false and awkward.
One obvious solution is to always go dutch. I don’t like this. I prefer to take turns paying. Even when there is a huge income difference between the two of us (as there frequently is, my last couple of exes had significantly higher incomes than I did) I make sure to pay sometimes. Sure, I let them get the big checks, especially when they’re picking the expensive restaurants, etc. But I want to pay sometimes, just so I don’t feel kept. Going dutch just feels a little bit too much like buddies hanging out, and I want to be clear from the very start that I’m not looking for a buddy.
I could just send no thank you at all. I admit, I’ve done that too. It just feels rude. I know people are reading this blog, ’cause the counter on the bottom tells me so. Any suggestions?
, thank you